Is There Anything Else That's New?

I'm in the dark pits of despair, well the dark pits of despair is an understatement. Without the need to over-explain the depth in technical terms, I'm really in a rut this time.

OK, i have posted a few...4 out of 10... OK 6 out of 10 or something like that of emo laden posts. I can't help it, short of cooking eating debating, i feel most at home when i rant.

I wont go on with the details but i really don't know how the heck am i going to get through this episode yet again. I hate being this, it makes me weak and vulnerable, its makes me not me and i find it hard to get drunk in this mode.

I'll overcome this this, somehow. Whether it be some short term or long term solution (alcohol works.), i shall survive and move on.

Maybe its because i haven't been on the blog for quite some time, hence the need to rant.

Whatever it is, i don't like what I'm going through now.

Ponder The Possible

Its been a while since i've written anything at all, im lazy folks.

The blame also goes to the UiTM wifi which apparently doesnt like blogspot,google nor homail that much, weird huh?

Well, its already the end of the semester and my finals are starting this saturday (KM- ADS 503) and the end of this would mark a near 3 years here in Malacca.

Its been a heck long time eh?

I Get By With A Little Help From These Wanks (Friends)

Noel: "So yeah, that was how it ended."

Gayus:"Like WTF? You BROKE the 5 Rules of engagement with this girl? What were you thinking?"

Noel: "I was stupid, period."

Belle: *Silence*

Noel: "No, im not going to link you her profile."

Gayus: "She must be something eh?"

Noel: "No Gayus, no."

Mike: *Grabs Phone*

Noel: "NO!"

Belle: "INBOX!"

Gayus: "Im still finding it hard that you broke the rules with this one, that bad of a case of fallingheadoverheelsforsomeoneyoubarelyknew huh?"

Noel *Sighs* "Yes"

Belle: "Wait, why don't you save my messages?"

Gayus: "Hang punya messages explicit kot, mana leh."

Belle: "A-hole"

Mike: "Interesting, hillarious still."

Belle: "Yah, kan abaaaaaaaaaaang?"

Gayus: *Falls down laughing*

Noel: "Wanker!"




Thanks for the visit guys.


"Baby, im breaking al the rules with you."

Bah!

I find it very much a paradox when you of all people, yes you! You whom proudly boasted that you could do a speech anywhere anytime anyhow without fear. Konon badget terrer la pernah break.

You whom could make a KM presentation sound and look and even feel or taste like a BP round at Graha Maju. You were even smug enough to put the occasional "Hear Hear" while wearing a blazer.

You of all people that i hate, of all the people that i don't even want to even be in the same city in. I detest your self-inflicted air of superiority and intelligence.

Of all the people in the world...


You couldn't even say those three words to her.


Noel Meldan, F**k You!


Signed.

What If?

Good Feelings-Violent Femmes.

"Baby, your my good feeling. I wished you knew."



Sekian.

Hiatus

SPOILER ALERT:IF YOU DETEST MY BRAND OF EMO'ISM, DON'T READ THIS SHIT.

Its been literally a month over since i wrote anything at all, its a tad bit rusty with the introduction and same cycle of rants and bitching but heck...its something eh?

I took the opportunity from the 2 week Eid' Fitri break to head home and all of us decided to leave for Manila this year. The passing of the two grand matriachs of the family was just too hard for everyone to handle, yet none of us spoke of it openly.

I was looking forward very much to this seeing that:

1) I love Manila.

2)I haven't really been back since 1988.

3)"The List".

4)The exchange rate.

5)Raya in Malaysia.

That being said, im was one happy monkey on the flight to Clark. Nothing would deter me from the anticipation, not even the flu and migraine or the 1 hour agonizing drive on the SCTEX. The city and i go way back and it was a place of many firsts for me.

It was like coming home to a home that you felt like you never left, the sights and smells and the noise that was Metro Manila, Makati, Intramuros, Rizal Park,Roxas Blvd, Legaspi Village, Ayala and Chinatown reminded me of 1998 and the memories and people that i knew.

Manila taught me a lot of things, lessons that were very much priceless and important. I yearn returning to the city. I've been back before, i was there in May but its not a real home-coming, it never is until i started back where i left off 12 years ago in a park somewhere in Makati.

Manila was my Aliyah, i spent the last 12 years waiting for that home coming.

I came along with a piece of paper that i wrote 12 years ago, it was the list of stuff i haven't done yet. It was a long list and the couple of days in the city has seen me achieving a few milestones; Balut and chicken intestines among them.

All in all, it was an awesome trip. Well, it was i guess.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO GET ENGAGED?

I find myself facing the problem of dating the wrong set of people, which are technically the major contributor to my so called cynicism and depression. In a nut shell, i get emo because of my exes.

All those glassy romantic images of Manila are now but a distant memory that i've locked up somewhere in my mind. I refused to take calls from Cecil and Ryan and i haven't open my bags yet. Hence, i have resorted to raiding my old wardrobes for clothing, not that i need it anyway seeing i've turned into this emo hermit that only goes out for the usual newspapers and groceries.

Im torn to bits, i seriously am.The return to KK was a blurr of seatbelts, airplane food, the taxi,home,beer and sad sappy songs. Im in an evil dastardly sad cycle which involves massive drinking and the streets CD.

I find myself making less and less sense and there is this huge mental block in front of me. Im not me, i hate me not being me.

And yet, every time someone asks how was the trip i automatically reply by saying how great it was.

"How was Manila?"

"Freaking awesome (If you consider your long waited hope crushed to tiny bits as awesome), yeah it was awesome."

Jesus, why must it be such a drama?

This Ain't What I Signed Up For.

I seriously think that the events of the last few weeks have left me mentally unstable. Possibly, im turning into this sad emotional wreck that is beyond any repair.

Why can't Fabregas just keep his mouth shut and stay at Emirates?

Now now, i know what all of you are thinking but no, im not relapsing into one of the run-in-the-mill kinda emo episodes that warrants me to sit on top of Dimpokuan Hill.

No,we're waaay past that.

I just really don't know how the fahk am i suppose to feel right now. It is as if i don't know how to respond to emotional issues or even normal ones. My mind is scrambled, i don't like it. It makes me feel vunerable, i drink too much when im vunerable.

I feel out of touch, i feel left out. Things are happening way to fast for me to comprehend and its not being help by the fact that i have a gazzilion things to settle.

I long for closure but i just don;t know closure to what am i looking for. I kick myself on a daily basis on the pretext that i have lead myself onto this spiral of nostalgic-melancholy that i can't get out of. In an effort to hate myself, i have started chain-smoking in hopes that it would hurt. Yes people, im resorting to cigarettes as a form of self-induced pain. Weird much.

I missed being in control, i missed knowing what to do and being so sure of myself and the direction im taking. I feel like being trapped in a maze of repeating routines that i can't break free of. This sense of entrapment is slowly driving me insane and i don't look nice when im insane. Not one bit.


What The Fahk Happened?