Kopi Tanpa Gula

Is There Anything Else That's New?

2010-11-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

I'm in the dark pits of despair, well the dark pits of despair is an understatement. Without the need to over-explain the depth in technical terms, I'm really in a rut this time.

OK, i have posted a few...4 out of 10... OK 6 out of 10 or something like that of emo laden posts. I can't help it, short of cooking eating debating, i feel most at home when i rant.

I wont go on with the details but i really don't know how the heck am i going to get through this episode yet again. I hate being this, it makes me weak and vulnerable, its makes me not me and i find it hard to get drunk in this mode.

I'll overcome this this, somehow. Whether it be some short term or long term solution (alcohol works.), i shall survive and move on.

Maybe its because i haven't been on the blog for quite some time, hence the need to rant.

Whatever it is, i don't like what I'm going through now.

Ponder The Possible

2010-10-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since i've written anything at all, im lazy folks.

The blame also goes to the UiTM wifi which apparently doesnt like blogspot,google nor homail that much, weird huh?

Well, its already the end of the semester and my finals are starting this saturday (KM- ADS 503) and the end of this would mark a near 3 years here in Malacca.

Its been a heck long time eh?

I Get By With A Little Help From These Wanks (Friends)

2010-10-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

Noel: "So yeah, that was how it ended."

Gayus:"Like WTF? You BROKE the 5 Rules of engagement with this girl? What were you thinking?"

Noel: "I was stupid, period."

Belle: *Silence*

Noel: "No, im not going to link you her profile."

Gayus: "She must be something eh?"

Noel: "No Gayus, no."

Mike: *Grabs Phone*

Noel: "NO!"

Belle: "INBOX!"

Gayus: "Im still finding it hard that you broke the rules with this one, that bad of a case of fallingheadoverheelsforsomeoneyoubarelyknew huh?"

Noel *Sighs* "Yes"

Belle: "Wait, why don't you save my messages?"

Gayus: "Hang punya messages explicit kot, mana leh."

Belle: "A-hole"

Mike: "Interesting, hillarious still."

Belle: "Yah, kan abaaaaaaaaaaang?"

Gayus: *Falls down laughing*

Noel: "Wanker!"

Thanks for the visit guys.

"Baby, im breaking al the rules with you."

Bah!

2010-10-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

I find it very much a paradox when you of all people, yes you! You whom proudly boasted that you could do a speech anywhere anytime anyhow without fear. Konon badget terrer la pernah break.

You whom could make a KM presentation sound and look and even feel or taste like a BP round at Graha Maju. You were even smug enough to put the occasional "Hear Hear" while wearing a blazer.

You of all people that i hate, of all the people that i don't even want to even be in the same city in. I detest your self-inflicted air of superiority and intelligence.

Of all the people in the world...

You couldn't even say those three words to her.

Noel Meldan, F**k You!

Signed.

What If?

2010-09-29T04:45:00.000-07:00

Good Feelings-Violent Femmes.

"Baby, your my good feeling. I wished you knew."

Sekian.

Hiatus

2010-09-15T08:30:00.002-07:00

SPOILER ALERT:IF YOU DETEST MY BRAND OF EMO'ISM, DON'T READ THIS SHIT.

Its been literally a month over since i wrote anything at all, its a tad bit rusty with the introduction and same cycle of rants and bitching but heck...its something eh?

I took the opportunity from the 2 week Eid' Fitri break to head home and all of us decided to leave for Manila this year. The passing of the two grand matriachs of the family was just too hard for everyone to handle, yet none of us spoke of it openly.

I was looking forward very much to this seeing that:

1) I love Manila.

2)I haven't really been back since 1988.

3)"The List".

4)The exchange rate.

5)Raya in Malaysia.

That being said, im was one happy monkey on the flight to Clark. Nothing would deter me from the anticipation, not even the flu and migraine or the 1 hour agonizing drive on the SCTEX. The city and i go way back and it was a place of many firsts for me.

It was like coming home to a home that you felt like you never left, the sights and smells and the noise that was Metro Manila, Makati, Intramuros, Rizal Park,Roxas Blvd, Legaspi Village, Ayala and Chinatown reminded me of 1998 and the memories and people that i knew.

Manila taught me a lot of things, lessons that were very much priceless and important. I yearn returning to the city. I've been back before, i was there in May but its not a real home-coming, it never is until i started back where i left off 12 years ago in a park somewhere in Makati.

Manila was my Aliyah, i spent the last 12 years waiting for that home coming.

I came along with a piece of paper that i wrote 12 years ago, it was the list of stuff i haven't done yet. It was a long list and the couple of days in the city has seen me achieving a few milestones; Balut and chicken intestines among them.

All in all, it was an awesome trip. Well, it was i guess.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO GET ENGAGED?

I find myself facing the problem of dating the wrong set of people, which are technically the major contributor to my so called cynicism and depression. In a nut shell, i get emo because of my exes.

All those glassy romantic images of Manila are now but a distant memory that i've locked up somewhere in my mind. I refused to take calls from Cecil and Ryan and i haven't open my bags yet. Hence, i have resorted to raiding my old wardrobes for clothing, not that i need it anyway seeing i've turned into this emo hermit that only goes out for the usual newspapers and groceries.

Im torn to bits, i seriously am.The return to KK was a blurr of seatbelts, airplane food, the taxi,home,beer and sad sappy songs. Im in an evil dastardly sad cycle which involves massive drinking and the streets CD.

I find myself making less and less sense and there is this huge mental block in front of me. Im not me, i hate me not being me.

And yet, every time someone asks how was the trip i automatically reply by saying how great it was.

"How was Manila?"

"Freaking awesome (If you consider your long waited hope crushed to tiny bits as awesome), yeah it was awesome."

Jesus, why must it be such a drama?

This Ain't What I Signed Up For.

2010-08-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

I seriously think that the events of the last few weeks have left me mentally unstable. Possibly, im turning into this sad emotional wreck that is beyond any repair.

Why can't Fabregas just keep his mouth shut and stay at Emirates?

Now now, i know what all of you are thinking but no, im not relapsing into one of the run-in-the-mill kinda emo episodes that warrants me to sit on top of Dimpokuan Hill.

No,we're waaay past that.

I just really don't know how the fahk am i suppose to feel right now. It is as if i don't know how to respond to emotional issues or even normal ones. My mind is scrambled, i don't like it. It makes me feel vunerable, i drink too much when im vunerable.

I feel out of touch, i feel left out. Things are happening way to fast for me to comprehend and its not being help by the fact that i have a gazzilion things to settle.

I long for closure but i just don;t know closure to what am i looking for. I kick myself on a daily basis on the pretext that i have lead myself onto this spiral of nostalgic-melancholy that i can't get out of. In an effort to hate myself, i have started chain-smoking in hopes that it would hurt. Yes people, im resorting to cigarettes as a form of self-induced pain. Weird much.

I missed being in control, i missed knowing what to do and being so sure of myself and the direction im taking. I feel like being trapped in a maze of repeating routines that i can't break free of. This sense of entrapment is slowly driving me insane and i don't look nice when im insane. Not one bit.

What The Fahk Happened?

Almost, Just Almost.

2010-08-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Im finding it hard to write anything substantive these days, maybe its the weather or the jammed pack class schedules i have this semester. The fact that i still have to walk up 10 flights of stairs for my lab sessions at KBM isn't inspiring at all.

Try walking up those fregging stairs when your a chain smoker and your already 20 minutes late for class.

Somehow, this semester is turning me cynical about life, the universe and everything else. Belle accusses me of being jaded and Cecil thinks i just need to get super drunk in order to see things more clearly.

Is it?

I mean, i've already surrender with certainty that something are never going to happen and that i migh as well get use to living it. As stupid as it may sound, but im reaching a point in life where i don't bother to question things or giveafuck like i used to. Now, i find it hard even to give a dingo's kidney to the things i used to give a kidney about, be it feral or human.

This feeling of sheer idontgiveafuckanymore is not being helped by the sheer nostalgia i have for memories. I openly wept at the college while feeding a cat last week just because it reminded me of the cats back home and the feeling of being unwanted.

I dreamt i was ten again yesterday back home in one of the happier periods of life. That somehow made me truly happy for once in weeks. The realisation post-drowsy wake up was one of the most heart crushing feelings to have on earth. I hate classes that start at 8am.

Its just not fair innit? My life is miserable and somehow im being bombarded by three things:

a) Other people being happy.

b) Nostalgic memories of being happy (Circa 1990's and pre-UiTM)

c) Unhappiness all around me.

Worst of all, i have no one to talk about it. Mum has been on a constant worry mode ever since i left for Malacca and it would be stupid for me to go all "feelings" on her now. And i just don't think that my friends could relate to the rollercoaster of insanity that im in.

Jesus, to be stuck in this static rut is the most sucky situation i could ever be in. I wasn't like this, whatthefahk happened? Serious whatthefahk.

And to think that i nearly cried watching "The Last Song" at KBM just now.

Im losing it. :(

Sodd Off A Cliff.

2010-07-27T00:47:00.000-07:00

I have "Alejandro" stuck in my head.

"You, sir, are fucked." Kin Wai.

Eternal Weekends With A Tan Sri & Friends.

2010-07-25T22:56:00.001-07:00

Summary Of The Week

YoAli!

How Do Mermaids Have Sex?

Seriously How Do They Get It On?

Meeting A Tan Sri.

Sponsors, monday meeting with HEP and Encik Jamil.

Pak Putra, twice.

ICDC = Rosal Is A Messiah!

Aziff = Zarifah.

Mc Donalds At 6am!

35 Juniors For Wednesday.

International Ayam Penyet Appreciation Day @ APAD '10.

Power Out At Morten (-__-)"

Al-Amin meets water.

Vanessa :) = :3

Tina: "The male chicken hops on the female chicken and the peck peck peck her neck and then hump hump hump lah!"

Ain: "One day, you'll find a girl who responds to your Imsingleyoursingleletsgetiton line."

Noel:"Thats ALOT of sugar."

Al-Amin:" Its all about your gut feeling."

Badhu @ Al-Amin, Selamat Hari Tua!

Reasons To Stop Smoking.

2010-07-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

You take the stairs at KBM thrice a week to level 10.

Love Lost

2010-07-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

Today marks a special day in my calendar.

Im abit sorry that i didn't went out and celebrated to mark the occasion. I was kinda busy with the semester and debate training. But i never forget the date and in retrospective remembering this day feels as if you never left me at all. It became a small ritual of trying to keep the memories of you with me alive, every single year.

Kinda creepy, i know. But you left a huge impact on me and the changes were obvious to anyone. Yet, the be stuck in the Historic city without you nagging at me seems kinda off somehow. I constantly feel out of place without be told what im doing right and that special look you did everytime i did something out of order.

God, what i'd do to see that face again.

I wont lie, i've been with other people ever since we parted and i had good time. Well a few great moments but it still is never the same. My friends are getitng sick of hearing it but i wish that you were still by my side. I've fancied and am currently liking (stalking) other people but you will always have a special place in my heart.

It aint number one but you were special, always will be.

Its been what now, 4 years? Alot has changed within that period of time, but its not like you really could care about it even if you want to. Our friends have grown old as so do i yet it still seem like yesterday that we were young and carefree.

I hated the fact you had to leave, secretly i was hoping you could stay a little longer despite all the pain and suffering you had to endure. It was selfish but do understand that i wanted to be with you and every second then was worth all the patience and pain.

The day you left was one of the hardest days for me. It wasn't the hardest, that was the day Arsenal lost to Barcelona at finals. Kidding, but the point im trying to make is that you leaving me was hard and it took a while of adapting to you not being there for me anymore. I was mad, fahking pissed to be exact.

I felt cheated, it was unfair. How could it be reasonable for you to leave when there was just soo much for us to do? Don't you remember the promises and dreams we had?

Time is never a great healing tool, trust me. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a prick or needs a punch in the face. What time is good for however is the fact it helps you to numb away the pain of loss and longing. 4 years has done that but i still feel the pain there and then.

When i listen to your favourite band (Coldplay) or your favourtie song (Fix You). When they show 1901 at Cinemax and when i see pink highlighters, you seem everywhere to me sometimes and i could walk miles across the earth and not se eor think about you.

I wished i could say this to you straight but i don't have the courage to do so, its just too painfull to see you again. But im writing this hoping you may catch a glimspe of it somewhere. But most of it, im writing this for myself. I need the closure and i cant get it from sitting here thinking of you. You left me for good and i just have to deal with it.

Still, i miss you like fahking crazy.

Happy Birthday, you would have been 22 today Sara Michelle.

Lift KBM Rosak

2010-07-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

"Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like me"

:)

P/S: I know it has nothing to do with the lifts.

I Don't Like Mondays.

2010-07-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since i've written anything "significant" on the blog. I simply can't escape the obvious fact that im lazy and unmotivated to write. The hsutle and bustle of this semesters new intake did kinda caught me of guard.

For starters, its no longer called MMS (Minggu Menindas Siswa as Cik Wan calls it) but the new VC has named it MDS (Minggu Dera Siswa). While the name has change, it was business as usual for the people behind the whole show. This semester saw a surge in the number of intake for KBM, which proved to be a headache for everyone from the top to the basement of the campus. I spent 2 weeks living off the clothes on my backpack dealing with 800 new comers at the college and campus.

There was the usual new kid drama and tension between PMP's. While most of it was dealt with quickly, there were a few issues that pissed me off abit i guess.

Seriously, who the fahk argues about the uniform or food when your dealing with 800 kids in less than 10 hours time?

But we survived, the girl's from Mukthahir kinda rock MDS with the handling of 200 kids while the rest of the PMP's went for khursus. It was kinda fun working with Basha, Bella, Saniah and the gang. Work wasn't that stressfull when you spent most of the time laughing with them.

Fast forward a week later, we went to Langkawi for a paid vacation by UiTM. Big thank you to HEP and the MPP for making it possible. Sadly, there were a few childish incidents along the way but overall it was awesome.

Sitting at Chenang beach on the final night at Langkawi, i somehow felt bittersweet at the end of my 4 semester run as a PMP. I learned alot in the last four years and im forever gratefull for it. Yet, i became cynical at the thought of all the drama and piss off's i had to endure at the same time. It just proves to you how ironic a paradox life can be.

My classes this semester are akin to what i have in primary school; all morning, break at 12 and be home by 6pm. Its a bit tiring but im doing ok so far.The added number of kids at KBM means that i have to walk 10 flights of stairs for makmal thrice a week! Thank God for the fact i have most of my classes at Graha.

I decided not to take CSC this semester. Advice from Mr Rahim lead me to consider taking CSC 208 during the intersession. Without it still, i have my work cut out for me. A huge uphill battle is ensured.

Debating post-euphoria Arau is getting heavier. With soo many new juniors, its essential in preparing them next year when most of us leave KBM. The club and debating in general has become more than just us, it has turned into some legacy that we are tasked to preserve. Still, getting 25 kids on the second week of training is kinda motivating Im still hoping for more people to join or at least someone from Sabah :) .

Gah, class at 8am tomorrow.

Im Fahked.

2010-07-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

EVIL! FAHKING EVIL!

Goodbyes are just hard to say

2010-06-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

"Is it even remotely possible for you to like me?"

Game on. :)

Game On.

2010-06-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Being Alive.

2010-06-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

Its been heck of a few weeks lately, so much has happened. It has been a facking fack of a facking month.

A summary of the last few weeks has seen me winning at Arau, failling CSC and dropping my CGPA. I've also relapsed onto another period of insomnia that has seen me running gladly onto the arms of alcohol and im now a chain smoker. How facking cool is that?

The sequence of these recent events have also prove the "Cycle Theory" that i have been running for a year to be utterly facking correct.

Im under no illusions, the pressure is on like Hell on steroids. It is going to be yet another tough and even tougher semester. There is so much to prove and much more to improve on. This is a hectic race against time and there is no way escaping it.

Honestly, im afraid. I scared as shit pondering just how much of a hell the next 6 months is going to be. Yet, i have my confidence and im sure i can deal with it. I've been thorugh worse before, i can deal this.

Right?

Fack this.

BRING IT ON MOTHAFACKA'S!

Things I Do When Im Bored.

2010-06-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

"Its a mad mad mad world we live in today." Hanis, KLIA 2009.

Im Humming To "United Breaks Guitar"

2010-06-04T05:39:00.000-07:00

I have this tendency to bitch, well for a reason actually. I usually bitch about when i get screwed over badly by idiots or evil corporations. Sometimes, these two things overlap.

The sucky part is, most of the time i already had a great plan worked out for me and my life. It didn't affected anyone else nor was it illegal. It would have been a great plan hadn't it been for the said two fuckups fucking up my plans with utterly moronic actions.

The semester break provided me with the needed time for me to do some travelling. I had wanted to travel around to meet up with old friends and family while at the same time get an excuse to leave KK for a while.

I've been so busy that i totally neglected these plans untill i could find a suitable time. Manila was to be my target this June, i was supposed to meet up with Belle and Cecil and party till i drop in Manila before going to Baguio and maybe Zamboanga.

Manila and i go a long way, i learned alot from the hustle and bustle that is the city. I feel in love with it, despite the haze and smog, the traffic you see walking around Roxas.I wanted Lechon and San Miguel beer, i needed to see pretty girls walking across the eight lane road downtown Manila. I craved ridding the jeepney or having heavily armed guys watch over you eating at Mc Donalds or Jolly Bee. I wanted to feel like i did the last time i was in Manila.

Weirdly, just like how my University application, Australs 2009, Anisha's wedding, Cora's birthday and etc. it all got screwed over. Be it H1N1, terrorism and missing bag, my life has been fucked up more than once by these things.

Im not dettered however, i will get on with Manila and then Cambodia. Come what fucking may, i'll get there.

And if there is one thing i've learned today, people DONT take you seriously when you come up to the information counter holding a bottle of vodka.

What Now?

2010-06-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

Waking up with a nagging hangover is one of the few pleasures i can afford while on holiday now. What i can't afford is the sheer amount of stupidty and drama.

Im getting less and less interested at how people react to events and situations. Maybe i did make a mistake heralding the new year with a cigarette puff. The new batch of medication isn't helping the seizures and pain at all.

I'll go have another drink.

Cerita Hari Ini.

2010-06-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Look, i don't like you in that way....Its not your fault, maybe its just not the right time. Hey, friends still?"

Fuck It.

Regrets And Remorse

2010-06-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

"Being In A Relationship Doesn't Justify Jackshit For Immature Actions." Aiman, 2007, KLIA.

Maybe its part of Jesus's Our Saviour's plan to get me stuck in this whirwind of drama and madness. For the wrongful decisions i've done in the span of the last 6 months or people aren't just that polite/humble/smart enough to realise their place these days.

I just don't know anymore.

Im a firm believer that people should be allowed to pursue hapiness in whatever way that they see fit. I've done that for the last 22 years of living and it has worked out/failed with nice/not so bad results.

Yet, in our pursuit of hapiness, the rule of thumb is that you never cross over the boundaries that affect other people's happiness as well. Its in this mantra that the universe holds itself from total anarchy and chaos.

This paradox implies that while its all fine and dandy for you to be happy, you should always consider the feelings and ultimately hapiness of other people. Whiloe some might whine and complain that this rule is pointless and doesnt make people happy, i say SCREW IT. The universe hangs on not on individual hapiness but largely on a balance of tolerance and a utilitarian consensus of happiness.

This semester has wielded much hapiness to alot of people and i have been more than glad and happy to see people immerse themselves with being happy.

That was untill the monster reared its ugly head.

At first, i was amused with the amount of affection and love exchanged happening in my face; physically and virtually. I was that once, well not that much but i guess everyone went through with the whole lovey-dovey, heavy PDA, baby-sayang-honey phase. Yet, amusement turned to contempt and then escalated onto sheer annoyance.

But, as always i kept it to myself and occasionally i would rant to a few close friends but out of the sheer need to avoid drama and the feelings of close friends, i kept my mouth shut. Not an easy task considering that i pretty much like to say it straight forward.

But somehow, i kept my cool. How i regretted it.

Soon, it was getting bad that it affected other people and other non-relationship related issues. I wanted soo badly to let it out, but blame the public education system, i just simply shut up. This proved much to be a costly mistake because it repeated itself again and again.

It lead to a domino phenomenon where friend turned on friend and what used to be a great gang of lonely hearts ended up chocking each other on the neck. I was heart-broken, more importantly, i was annoyed. So annoyed, i wished that i didn't did what i did that lead to this whole situation.

That was how sick and annoyed i was seeing this whole farcass happening in front of me.

I don't feel that its my place to say stuff but it has come up to a level where other people's hapiness are affected and it ruins the whole balance of universal hapiness. Its just waaay to messed up to go on.

Blowing your own horn and ignoring your friends, sabotaging other people's relationship, being oblivious to other people's feelings is NOTHING SHORT OF BEING IMMATURE, COCKY AND IGNORANT.

Leave people as they are, they do not need your advice or help. I've seen more maturity, respect, self-control and responsibility from them than i have seen in you.

BTW, do you really even know these two before spewing whatever accusations you have in that powerhouse of yours? A title or two doesn't give you the license to throw stones from a glass house.

Then, there is you.

As if being ignorant and immature isn't bad enough, you had to be selfish and ungratefull. These were the people who hold on to you when you weren't where you are now, these were your friends.

Just because your on Cloud 9 doesn't mean you could diss friends for utterly childish reasons. We loved you, as a friend but these incidents have us questioning ourselves; what ever happened to you?

How i wish i could turn back time and save us all this much grief and anger.

"Life isn't just about you, live with it." Noel Meldan, 2010, MOHEC.

"I Don't Deal With Stupid, I Ignore Them." Brian, 2007, DCIV.

A Sea Of Hope.

2010-06-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

"...we shall fight on the seas and the ocean, we shall fight with growing confidence and strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost maybe. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

If the lives of 19 people could open the borders at Rafah, imagine what could the world do united as one.

Road To Redemption

2010-05-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've been holding back a write up of what had happened in Arau. To be honest, Arau for once again a whirwind of emotions fueled by sheer passion and neversaydietillthebastardshotsyouthenyoudie.

Arau was indeed Arau this year. It was kinda like last year but a little bit different.

We won of course, not just breaking onto the top eight but we actually won. Im still finding myself sitting in disbelief that we've took home the trophy aka Jebus Erikkson. Its hard to think that a year and a half onto debating, with all the hardwork and tears poured into it we finally made a mark as a team and an institution.

To actually hear them call out the name of your institution was sheer euphoria and addictive. The escalation from sheer tension and panic prior to the winner annoucement to shouts of joy and happiness was a fitting road back to redemption for all of us.

Breaking was not easy, as per tradition we had to deal with the silent round with sheer panic before the break annoucements were done.

To be honest, i wasn't worried about breaking. I was aiming something further than Quaters this time and positioning on the fold was important seeing how badly i screwed up on last year's Octo. The road from Quater's (IIUM) and then Semi's (UPM) was filled with suprises and last minute saves from the entire team (Addykins & Fina) helped pushed us to the Finals with a showdown with UT Mara.

The pressure was off then, at least i knew that we went out a finalist for better or worse. Partially was also because the fact that, regardless of whoever wins it, the trophy goes back to a UiTM institution. Getting the trophy back to UiTM was an issue of pride and principle for me.

One thing about having somebody like Omar as your CA was that you'll never be sure of what motions he would pull out for the tournament. It was out of the usual norm of motions i've done but things like Greece, Proportional Elections, Fat People VS Skinny People, Police Brutality, Oil Barons, Pedo Priest and Nukes were a challenge to debate upon.

When Omes annouced the Finals motion, i immediately grinned. THIS WAS MY FORTE! I had to calm the inner monkey down in the brain as prep-time streched onto what seemed like hours (Izzat's fault).

Finals was i guess the calmest debate i had in a while, it was so because of a few things. I was debating with and against good friends with a hall full of my friends as well (Although Bear's screaming of "Bulat" was kinda off :P ). Debating then and there with Fina, Addy against Emilia,Blue and Tasha was one in a million debates.

There are a few people i'd like to thank, it would be utterly impossible for me to be involved with Debating had it not be for the little nudges and pushes along with the occasional bitchslaps or two that these individuals have contributed to my mental insanity.

Mum & Dad: Thank you for believing in your son. I count myself blessed and lucky to have you two.

Finz: A great team-mate, i sometimes scare myself wondering where or who would i be with if it hadn't been for you on that van to Shah Alam nearly to years ago.

Azim: Jangan badget chomel! You the reason for people like me can debate for KBM in the first place. Your awesome k?BTW, duit elaun dah keluar?

The KBM Unit (Rosal,Addy,Bobo,Suffian,Nik,Fariz Shah,Shariha,Azmillah, Mira,Faris and etc.): You guys have given me the support and inspiration to go further than i could possibly ever imagine.

Madam Aida & Jo: Yes, i'll improve my structure. Thank you for being there Madam's.

Prashanth & Iqbal Hafiezd: For telling me to go for the impossible.

The win at Arau is nothing more than a stepping stone for KBM and Debating. Like the first time when we broke at VC 2008, we can only go stronger and better from here as a unit. The pressure is back on and i believe we can do it.

"Whatever happens, you guys have won our hearts this evening." Bobo, Finals Dinner.

"Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling!" Aziff, Post-Finals Dinner.

"Entertain Me!" Azrul, round 2.

"The thing about slapping somebody is that, you get slapped back." Noel, Finals.

The Long Road Back

2010-05-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Im writing this at 4.33 in the morning while Rosal is shuffling his matterfile behind me.

Its tiring and im more than tired out after a crash and burn of a semester. I basically have only AO 2010 to attend and another 5 days before i leave for home.

Oh Jesus, HOME!

The prospect of getting back home and lazing amid the borneo heat drinking beer and eating. God, the food back home! I already have my vacation planned out quite well. It involves me relaxing and lazing around with beer back home and on the islands.

Still, i have a 12 hour bus ride at 6 in the morning and i havent finish packing my stuff yet.

Its a daunting challenge for me at Arau. I did ok, could have done better if i really did pay attention and focus (ad nauseum). Alot of pressure is ridding on this and i pray to the Gods i make it out in one piece before i laze back into coma of sheer bliss and relaxation back in Sabah.

Oh, home!

20th - 25th May = Arau, Hell on earth (Yes Offense people)

25th - 30th May = No fucking idea.

30th - 31st May = KLIA!

31st - Godknowswhen = HOME!

Facade

2010-05-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

(We were all young and stupid once, i just choose to extend my period of stupidty)

I still have another paper to go, ADS 556 (EGovt) and no i haven't studied yet.

Its been a heck of a run this semester, it almost killed me and i constantly thank my senility and the years of hard drinking that kept me thorugh the entire ordeal.

I never liked early year semesters, the short period of time, the mind boggling subjects and somehow piles of assignments that we get. I don't HATE it, i just have a slight disliking of it.

Still, the semester has reminded me of alot of things, good memories of the past. Like how much f-king easier it was to deal with life and all its mysteries last semester. Juggling killer papers like OB and SOMA while trying to run and participate in a debate tournament.

It also reminded me of the great guilty pleasures in life that i constantly abuse too much, like annoying people, hooking them up and then annoying them some more.

I was running through some of my old pictures when i came across one that reminded me of a time in my life when i wasn't that much pressured. Life then was a bliss, i didn't had much care in life but still i made it through. I never felt the pressure of conforming the other people's idea of how should i be.

I missed those days, where i could just go on living my life without sheer paranoia breathing behind your neck.

What more, i know i won't have those days back.

Then, as if each picture was a summary of my life. I was brought back to the moments in life when i was happier. Like the picture of me and Sarah on her last birthday, the one last picture Madge took at the cancer ward. Those were good times, heart breaking but the memories behind every smile, every silly face she made stayed on with me, even after 3 years.

The pictures i had of me and Zul back when we were in Form Four. Clueless and recklessly dangering everyone and everything in our path, those were nice times i guess. Untill we got caught in the workshop making steel benches out of the netball hoops.

My failure to get into Matriculation and subsequent Form 6 years were a handfull. I gained a ton of weight out of sheer depression. I was thrown onto 3 semesters of pressure and madness. The people i meet there, those were challenging times for a 17 year old kid i guess.

My foray into being a MPP (Missing Presumed Pissed) was a hectic and crazy adventure while i was in Form 6.It was normal for me to skipp classes and failed to turn up assignments, heck they were legendary back then. I blamed all of them on alcohol.

It was still a suprise i aced (in some way) STPM compared to others that studied the fuck off. I guess i was happy i didn't took science then. I guess i survived the 3 semester ordeal on a combination of sheer dumb luck and my ability not to gice a fuck then.

I still do.

Despite that, i still failed at pursuing a Law degree. Those 6 months was pure wilderness for me. I didn't had much interest in Administrative Science then, and i still had hopes for Law.

Soon, i found myself leaving home for Malacca. The picture of my last day in KK with Cecil and Ryan as we took Adel on a crash course in binge drinking was dangerously fun. I still remembered the morning after when Cecil and i left for the airport hung over.

Life at Malacca was indeed a shocker for me. I was lucky enough i did adapt quickly to my surroundings. But you can take a boy out of KK but never the KK out of a boy. I missed home, terribly the first few weeks. The fact i was still bitter at not getting into Law further inflamed my resentment towards my life there.

Yet, i forced myself to live with it. The pictures of Amri and me sitting on the roof of college was the last few pictures of me that first semester. It wasn't long before then i went to Shah Alam for my first tournament. Debating changed my life at Malacca, it wasn't that much of a burden anymore.

I found my release from all the crapp bullshit and madness of my studies in debate. There were many pictures of debates. The ones from 2008 all the way to the finals at VC 2009 were bittersweet i guess. I made small achievements and had meet a new bunch of people. Yet, somehow the epitome of 2009 was lost with the fuck-up at VC 2009. I'll be forever haunted by that i guess.

And yet, there was one picture. Of the hundreds that i have stored in my mind, my computer, on Facebook or Friendster. The one single picture that i guess summarizes me on a jpeg format that stood the test of time, regardless of where and who i was. The one that maybe i'll put up as my orbituary someday, or in a cover of the book i might write or the one i'll show my kids, if i have any.

Im still the same guy despite all the changes i've seen or made onto myself.

The Universe Is Secretly Conspiring Against Me.

2010-05-06T00:43:00.000-07:00

I just had to rant, i just had to!

FAKFAKFAKFAKFAKFAKFAKFAKFAK!

Needless to say, the universe, not the world is unfair now.

Why We Could All Use A Drink Right Now.

2010-05-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

The events ofthe last few weeks have left me sarky over how things are run in the great homeland of mine. It has not help quell the cynical almost bordering ungratefull way in which i and most of my compatriots view this wonderfull country some consider to be indeed "Truly Asia".

MP's who can't talk let alone debate for their dear lives, sex scandals left and right and politicians reminisce of the good National Socialism day's.

And people wonder why Malaysians are depressed and sarcastic all the time.

Well, except for teh tarik breaks of course. Nothing, not even the release of a new Indonesia telenovela episode can delay a teh tarik break.

That, bar the rain and if mamak's go on strike and the rise of sugar.

I believe that much of the country's intellectual political disscussions and debates happen over a cup of this sweet brew. Screw the Bernama segment with a panel of credible (hah!) politicians and academians or even your local newspaper (which subsequently would make Goebbles grin with pride). Nothing, matches to the level or passion in which these disscussions are made over lunch breaks with a teh tarik.

It unites people, thats one of the clearest observations i've seen in my 15 years of consuming the deadly brew. People of all races basically have a point to say, but political pressure, their wives, their bosses, "eastern values" of sopan santun''ness (which basically means shutting one self up most of the time) and racial paranoia would usually mean that these points would never be put across a table with your Indian/Malay/Chinese/Kadazan/Orang Asli/Iban/Etc. friends around. These views are to be kept by yourself because it might distrupt "racial harmony" and you might be taking a very looong holiday in Perak.

But teh tarik usually breaks that restraint. I've seen people of different racial backgrounds and political affiliations ignore their deep-seated fears and hatred to take a teh tarik and talk things over. 9.5 out of 10 cases are usually done in the most civil and safe manner which would have brought shame to most MP's in the parliament today. (that 0.5 case of violence was an arguement about which team would win the Malaysian FA cup finals, some heated words in the negeri accent were exchanged)

Its as if, the common need to feed of this sweet liquid renders all hostilities between people dormant for a while. Such is the power of teh tarik that people of different political affiliations may find a common ground to debate about things without ever throwing chairs or using racial or gender slurs to get a point across.

There was this urban legend going about how in the heydays of the Reformasi riots in KL in 98 where FRU police officers and street protestors actually took a break from bickering and went to the mamak from a quick cup of teh tarik and roti canai. Efforts to confirm the myth or locating that said mamak stall has reached to a dead end so far.

And the bond that teh tarik makes also crosses that of the economical divide. I've seen pak ciks coming and go in bicycles and E-series Benz share a table and talk things over like the fuel hike. As bizzare as it is, strangers of different backgrounds, who at any time of the day wouldn't have any reason at all to interact suddenly find a common ground to bitch about gas thanks to teh tarik.

And its infectious too. These things usually start off with 2 people sharing teh tarik talking about an issue and like everything else malaysian, somebody interjects to put in his two cents worth of views and observation. Lo behold, 15 minutes later, you would have the entire shop along with Kiah who sells karipaps on a bicycle talking about why the Ronaldo should have never left MU in the first place.

And at the end of these magical moments that only can happen in the bizzare place i call home, people then leave the table and go on with their lives; fearfull and paranoid of anything else remotely different from themselves. Its as if they hit the pause button the moment someone sits for a teh tarik only the unpause it once they've finished.

In these troubled times where driving at 2am can get you shot or politicians can demand who should you vote for, maybe a teh tarik sounds like a good idea.

B3-2.

2010-05-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

Bobo singing in the shower, lagu mencarut entah apa.

Niki Balboa gaduh guna bahasa utara, ugut nak potong Bobo.

Omer dah hooked tengok telenovela jepun, cita-cita baru nak jadi butler konon.

Aku migraine tahap cibai, bangun lambat termiss roti telur Haji Ibrahim.

Faris tak keluar dari bilik lagi, hidup atau mati kami tak tahu.

Rumah bawah masak telur goreng dengan bawang, sangat lapar.

This is Monday alright.

ADS 451 = Hedonism = Globalization AGAIN! = >:(

2010-05-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

"Game on Bitch"

I basically have another 2 more papers to go for this semesters finals. Yet somehow i feel utterly exhausted mentally and physically.

The laborious writtings has taken a toll on me; my fingers are now deformed, thank you finals!

Ethics or Ethcis was not much of an easy piece of cake. I spent all 3 hours onto the last second writing and still i failed to finish up the 6 essays required. Who the f**k gives you 6 essays to write in 3 hours anyway? F**king mad tonto i tell you.

On another note, i now thank my continous drinking, smoking and life of evil for the last 8 years, all those drinking and smoking helped keep me sane in the course of surviving what is to be considered the suckiest finals i ever had. F**k this shit, im looking (fingers crossed) for a better semester come June.

Oh did i told you, hedonism came out in ADS 451?

F**king mad tonto.

The Return (A Parody Write-Off)

2010-04-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

After much consideration and the fact im just way bored without anyone to annoy with, here's a little piece of fiction im writing after Omer & Faris's own parody write-off.

Im using this aslo for Addykin's little Write Off competition for blogs thingy.

1st prize, Seoul Garden?

Its suppose to be a mini-series based on some of the people i've know over my life here at KBM made into a thriller psycho-parody.

When asked "why a thriller psycho-parody of people you've known in KBM?",i say "why the fuck not?".

**********************************************************************************

Amy tried to run as fast as she could but it was maybe better to look where your going as she hit a tree and fell into a puddle of grey-brown water. Lying face down, she was visibly crying, huddled in a small puddle of mud gripped by the overwhelming sense of fear and being helpless.

"It begins tonight"

It started out with a simple text message from Fasya asking her to go back home and check her Facebook. Sensing that maybe Fasya is in one of her more emotional stages of the week, Amy didn't pay much attention to the nature of the message but she decided to check anyway.

"Curiousity always kills the cat, with a sledgehammer", Noel always said weird things.

Sipping coffee after a hellish week at work, Amy planned for a small getaway for two this weekend in Cherating. Omar always wanted to walk around the beaches but PD was way polutted after they legalized whale hunting and the struck of oil across the Malaccan Straits.

She opened her Facebook account and scrolled through the updates of her contacts and friends when she suddenly came across something that scared her. She thought it would never come and coffee soon spilled all over the plastic mound of the keyboard, spilling steady streams of hot coffee onto the floor.

She took a deep breath and pinched herself, hoping that this was a dream or a very haunting nightmare.Yet Amy's worst nightmare was nothing compared to this. She blinked for a second before her brain registered what her eyes really saw. She clicked on the link and soon saw a single soletary comment on it. Amy knew this was real as hell.

"Its Already Time..."

Unable to contain her fear, she immediately called the only person she knew she could rely on at two in the morning.

"Nothing good ever happens after one am", Adderly once said.

The ringing tone on Amy's phone was cut short by a silent pause, finally she said to herself but it was the cold and automated voice of a women that greetted her.

Ending the call in a sudden rise of anger, she realized that her phone had several misscalls and message. A few clicks later showed that Omar had tried to contact her for the last 3 hours or so but her laborious job meant that some nights she just has the ability to go around ignoring the sound of her phone ringing. She really needed a break from work.

That creeping sense of fear suddenly came back as she traced back Omar's messages.

"where are you, call me back oki?"

"amy?are you oki?call me."

"amy, where are you? please call me."

"this is no funny,amy please call me back."

"im coming over, get your stuff ready, we are leaving the city."

"WHATEVER YOU DO PLEASE DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! ILY AMY"

"Your next..."

The last message confirmed the fear that was lingering in her mind, unable to resist, Amy took another glimpse of the words that were sprawled across her monitor screen.

In that tense moment, a sudden solem knock came through the door.

Amy froze, she didn't know what to do.

Another slow deliberate knock on the door.

She fumbled her phone onto the floor as the fear slowly took over her composure and hand to eye coordination.

"Amy is always a little bit clumsy, but thats why i love her", Omar said, or used to say.

As she bent down to retrieve her phone, she could she behind the slit under the door a pair of Adidas sneaker, somehwhat familiar she said to herself.

The knock came again, this time as if trying to toy with her feelings; it came slowly and lingered.

How does a knock linger? A thousand and one questions came cross her mind, thinking the unthinkable. She found out for a long time it was better to remain simplistic amid her friends.Especially Adderly with his sarcastic remarks on almost anything. She wasn't just that tonight.

Amy walked over the room, floorboards creaking as she attempted to project what lay behind the door. Her sweaty hands touching the rusted door knob, she suddenly remembered Omar's warning and jerkily backed off.

Sensing this, the knock came again. But this time there was a fury behind it. Rapid loud and forcefull knocks sounded like blows to the door. The person behind it as if possesed by rage wanted to crash the door down onto the little apartment.

Amy found herself cornered in her own house, the only place she has ever truly found shelter from the hardships of working in an audit firm. That and Omar of course.

But Omar was gone now.

Gathering her last ounces of courage, Amy suddenly rushed to the back of her kitchen and hide. She took a small frying pan, a gift from Fasya upon their graduation.Fasya had always been weird with her gifts but she knew that small IKEA mould of steel and teflon was the only thing standing between her salvation or something worse.

A few silent moments later a huge bang eruptted from the front of the apartment. Creaks on the floorboards and some shuffling of paper confirmed Amy's fear that the intruder had already broken into her house.

For what it seemed like an eternity, Amy broke into a run for the door. Was it fear or courage Amy didn't know and she was sure as hell she didn't want to find out. All that was important was for her to get away from the menace that was in the apartment and to safety.

And to think that her biggest worry was what to wear that upcoming weekend just a few hours ago.

She broke into a run for the stairs when suddenly movements from her house indicated that the stranger was already in hot pursuit of her. Pushing herself beyond the normal threshold, Amy rushed down 4 flights of stairs and onto the pavement outside where a faint drizzle of rain wetted her brows.

That sensation reminded her of how peacefull it was to walk in the rain, like the time she and Omar along with some friends in Umbai after dinner running back to the car. The days were life was much more carefree and laughing was much more easier.

Those days were gone, she lamented.

A barrage of noises awoken Amy from her reprieve. For whatever weird reason, Amy dashed for the little park that was across the road from her apartment. Running amid thorns and bushses, Amy soon found herself out of breath but the fear of the unknow pushed her even further into the darkness. She needed to survive, just if to know what happened to Omar.

Splashes of water amid the drizzle that was soon turning into a storm were the only things that were audible that night. That was if there was anyone sober or around to hear it.

Amy lied in that small puddle of water for what seem like hours crying. The fact that there was no sound of the mysterious attacker comforted her into believing that at least she was safe for now, amid a thunder storm in the middle of nowhere. A small tingle of pity then came into her heart, Omar was gone she said to herself.

And then she saw the pair of Adidas sneakers.

Faris woke up amid a sore tooth and a migraine of yet another terrible night sleeping on the futon bed. He was sure there were lice too but the small meager salary of a homocide detective meant that comfort was the last thing he had in mind. He would have to stick with the bed untill it breaks, and then he'll just sleep on the floor with some bed sheets.

The silent hymns of a vibrating cellphone soon caught the attention of the city's best detective, he was sure that fate was just being plain sarcastic pushing a bright business degree student onto the underpaid arms of law-enforcement. A quick slick of the wrist and Faris was already in deep conversation with a colleague at the station.

He slided his holster and pistol and took the battered bomber's jacket from the couch,Faris sighed; he was supposed to be on holiday but this case was personal, very personal.

Amy woke up in a stank and darkened room. Tied down to a chair, she strained her eyes trying to find at least some regocnition of where she was. Dazed and confused, she was asking herself a million questions and somehow the only answer that came back was something out of the worst ever scenario that Amy's can think off.

Confusion turned to fear, fear lead to frustration. Several futile minutes later, Amy just decided to scream her lungs out amid the frustration and fear of her confinement.

It was a primal scream of fear, afraid of the unknow.

Behind a tinted window, a sinister smile appeared. A hand pressed on the cold even surface of glass soon clenched into a fist, the memories of abandonement and isolation gripped the mysterious person whom masterminded Amy's capture and subsequent torture. That rage soon dissipated and It started to smile again.

"Two down, four to go"

Observations On A Quiet Thursday

2010-04-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

60 minutes onto my 2nd paper (CSC 208) and still i haven't study a damn chapter.

Business as usual i guess.

I Basically Had Too Much Energy Left Over From ADM 551, Terima Kasih.

2010-04-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, i've been wanting to do this for a long time already. Part of the reason im doing this only now was because i was swapped busy and what better way to annoy my friends and complete strangers?

I, proudly present to you, The Bro Awards 2010. The following awards were given after careful consideration at Kedai Kuning as well as at D'Mamak.

Credits to the dude who made awesome Milo Suam at Kedai Kuning.

The Bro For Best Couple (Nauseating Category) - Adderly Shah & Sheril Bustaman

These two individuals push the limitations of PDA to the very limit of limits. And when you thought that was it, they suprise you by doing it one level up.

Be it, calling each other sappy couple'ish names (Addykins & Sherbunny) or posting "Happy" pictures for the 1,000,000 time on Facebook, Addykins and Sherbunny are the force to beat.

They were not always like this. Adderly was once considered to be a top bro within the bro world, that was untill his fall from grace and onto the realm of monogamy. There already has been calls within the inner circle of the bro'hood to have Addykins be stripped of his bro status along with the perks associated with a former star bro in KBM.

Rumours had it that the union of these two disasterous evils was set up by a certain awesome bro, a former bro of the said Addykins. That awesome bro couldn't be contacted to confirm or deny the rumour.

The Bro For Best TwoPeopleMergedIntoOne - Omerlia.

Omar Qayum and Nor Amelia were once different individuals, they were almost different in every aspect. Omer was a good bro, Amelia was...like a penguin.

However, the temptations of the dark side soon got to them and post ICDC saw the union of the two people which lead to the break-up of KBM's chapter of the Lonely Hearts Club. A very depressing issue that still hasn't been resolve till this day.

The merge of Omerlia has also lead to the spawning of new and utterly alien words like "Oki" and the common use to the word "Babe" to address everyone.

Due to certain circumstances, Omar's bro status still remains valid till this day.

The Bro For Best Bromance - Hazim Shah & Nik Kamarul.

Do we even need a description for this?

Hazim (Bobo) and Nik (Nikki Balboa) have been friends ever since they caught each others eye at Perindu during their pre-law years. While they never said much to each other in that duration of 2 semesters.

Their bromance grew when both got shipped off to KBM for their degree.

Like all good bromance stories, both were direct opposites. Be it to how much both weight or the fact Bobo listens to indie rock and Nik likes Spannish Telenovela theme songs.

Their relationship is that one of a symbiotic one, Nik wakes Bobo up in the morning (EPIC FAIL everytime) and Bobo, well...he entertains Nik i guess.

The Bro For Best Soundtrack - Murder Train by The Foreskins.

It was on How I Met Your Mother, nuff said.

"Mudeeeer, Muder On The Murder Train..."

The Bro For Best Pickup Line - Omar Qayyum

"I Want The Best Speaker From ICDC."

The Bro For Best Emo - Aida Norfasya.

I really want to say alot here but i've been stuck for the last 30 minutes or so laughing trying to put these thought to words.

Needless to say, Fasya by default has also won the following Bro's as well:

The Bro For Best Double Chin.
The Bro For Best Orgasm.
The Bro For Best Bahan - Tied With Noel Meldan & Adderly Shah.

Fasya has took home the Bro For Best Murder Scene (Tied With Jehan Soraya) which involves a puddle of mud and a straw.

This is of course the only 1st installment of the Bro Awards 2010, i'll basically finish up the last 2 parts when i have the time or when i feel the urge to annoy people then.

Any comments or suggestions, please don't contact me.

Compensation For The Mentally Unsaned.

2010-04-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

AHHHH, SIAP!

1 DOWN, 4 TO GO!

"Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeeeeling. "

Being Stuck.

2010-04-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

"And this feeling shall last"

I hate being in a rut, especially when this rut renders me unable to move forward or retract backwards. This form of limbo is worse when your trying not to panic with a looming finals ahead of you.

Being stuck in the moment usually leave your mind the super ability to question every single question you've made about the decisions you've take in life. Usually, this ability remains dormant throughout a person's lifetime. Its only under severe cases of self doubt that it surfaces and spreads like a STD at Woodstock or Glastonbury.

"What if i had stick with the idea of taking Law?"

"What if i choose to stay?"

"Why didn't i left for Shah Alam or KK?"

"Am i being serious about this?"

"Could i have done better if i had remain sober?'

"What was i thinking?"

"Why did i wait?'

All those questions and many more linger around you and sooner or later you left it get the better of you as regrets of decisions you've made eat you up and you ponder of the alternative.

"I could have been doing Law."

"I could have been in KK."

"I could have a better chance there."

"I could have save myself a great deal of pain."

"I could have win it."

"I could have done better."

"I could have been happy."

These feelings of regret and pain will last i guess. There is no way i could re-do the mistakes i've done. It kills and seems unfair sometimes. It always ends up pissing me off, dragging myself into a period of self depression which i don't need amid the finals.

Fak this feeling.

Why Oh Why?

2010-04-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

If Only I Could Use This On The 27th.

Eternal Contemplations For The Sane.

2010-04-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

"I don't expect you to understand what im doing or even the things im going through. All that im asking you to do is rest assure we're still friends, nothing changes that."

It has been a whirlwind one semester and i guess the fitting ending of it would be of course the finals that i shall be taking on the 27th.

There are just so many things that has happened within the last 4 months and without a doubt i have forever been changed thanks to them.

Its not easy trying to deal with sudden losses within your life, even after all the proper said goodbyes and hugs. These things don't just go away easily, the fucked up part is how much guilt and regret builds inside of you thinking if only for another second you could have spend with them, maybe it wouldn't be so hard on you.

Its not easy coping with that feeling of guilt and a sense of abandoning someone you care so much for. God knows how tormented i feel every single day waking up. It doesn't go away, even with time. Just going through it again reminds you of every single mistake or person you've let down and trust me, its not one of the best feelings in the world to greet you every single morning. It kills, oh how it kills.

On the three occasions this semester, i wasn't there to give the last goodbye and i keep returning to that exact moment where was i and would have it make a difference if i left everything there and then to be with the people whom i really care for? Surely, i couldn't have done it better than the professional care the doctors and nurses gave but that sense of closure is forever lost to me.

I hate that, guilt never solves anything. It just feeds off your emotions until it drains you of everything and you become so lost in it that there is just a bleak spot forever marked within you.

How i hated that.

For a young age, i always kept things to myself. Even with the closest of people i still carry the burdens of guilt unnoticed. It just better that way, no unpleasant or awkward situations where you let down the defense and shared a feeling that will never go away nor be understood by anybody.

I have never talked much about the passing of my grandmother, brenda or even faizal to anyone. I just don't want to be reminded of the failure i was being a grandson or a friend, that guilt is just way to much of a burden already.

As a result, i became somewhat out of place in Malacca, my studies get sidetracked for a moment and i really didn't seem to care what was going on around me, i still don't actually. To my friends or lecturers, i never offered a reason or any justification, not that i think they care but because i just don't want people feeling sorry or think of me as weak. I've done fine (that is a huge word to describe it) the past few year going it alone.

There are just phases that i have to go through over and over again.

A few weeks ago, there was a visible shift in terms of my friendship with a few people that i've cared dearly about. Ironically, my lack in the sense of care has brought upon this to myself.

Deleted Facebook comments and unreplied messages were suddenly thought of as a direct indicator that i was no longer in good terms with them, i was kicking them out of my life so to speak. While i still laugh at the occasional spikes of sarcasm spilled into my morning teh-tarik's, i find it weird somehow. In the wise words of Omar Qayyum, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Im not the one who has a close knit of friends whom i can call upon any single moment to summarize the troubles or problems of the day, nor do i have anyone caring about me if i suddenly vanish for two days unexplained.

Some say it has been a direct result of my personality, i say FUCK THEM. I've chosen this path so suck it. Hahaha! Well, it sounds depressing enough but i've never complained, why should i? I've live through this much with a problem of a major falling out (because i don't have anyone that significant as a friend or otherwise) and being left alone much of the time helps me in a way to keep my sane.

This doesn't sound like the chirpy ever so noisy Noel kan?

I know, i sometimes scare myself too.

But the point im trying to make is that, im very much a straight forward person when it comes to friends, if i think i don't like you or the actions you've done (Throwing a suprize party in the middle of MDO, Calling me to tell me that your marrying my best friend, etc...) I WILL TELL YOU, PERIOD. Unless i've done so, rest assure im just being me and whatever happens i still got your back and im still your friend.

Its getting very tiring to feel miss-understood but i've lead myself to believe that there is not much point in doing anything else about it. The thing of reaching adulthood is that, your suppose to deal with this kinda crap every single day.

Till the 9th!

This Is Ourselves.

2010-04-17T05:37:00.000-07:00

If i haven't felt it yet, im sure as Fak i'll be cracking sooner or later.

Oh Damned.

Hari Ini Punya Berita

2010-04-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

I feel old now, Terima Kaseh :)

The Reasons For Debating At KBM Part 2

2010-04-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

Azmilah Azmil @ Milah/ Milah Ku Sayang "Noel, Kepala Hotak Engkau!"

My first encounter with Azmilah was back in VC 008 when we were in the last round of the prelims. Needless to say, i was smitten the moment she first spoke and couldn't dare to POI her at all (Sorry Finz).

As fate would have it, she got "sent" to KBM for her degree and the rest we say was history.

My repeated invites to dinner at Ocean have been rejected by Milah so far.

Shariha Roseley@ Sha "Wow"

Sha is one of those "Motherly" looking friends you have that you somehow feel inclined to offer your seat or suggest a more MSG less diet when you guys go makan.

A calm and composed speaker, Sha is totally different outside of the speakers podium. Witnesses have claimed to see Sha actually skipping for joy outside the debate room.

Her constant sense of care for her team-mates have rendered us all "accident" free at every tournament despite the constant nagging.

BTW, she has this very evil sounding laughter that scares the shizbah out of me.

Alief Zulkefli@ Alip @ The Happy People @ Satan's Spawn "Ape Nie?"

Alief was the first person i encountered at UiTM to ask about debate.

A veteran of many tournaments, he decided to walk off the debate circuit for a while before returning with partner in crime Bobo onto the semi's at VC 09. A relaxed speaker, Alief is usually the most calmest person during prep time, some say he looks stoned while sitting on the floor in a zen like trance.

And folks, he aint 18.

Nik Kamarul Anuar @ Nik @ Nikki "Oh God, Noel!"

Nick was another product of ICDC 09 along with Bobo. In alot of aspects he was the very opposite of Bobo. Which has provided us at the Deb Soc. alot of laughter.

While he is usually timid and shy, Nik can suprize people with his witty comebacks and one-liners. The sudden emergence of Nik from his pre-puberty cocoon has left many of us shocked. Bobo actually contemplated on quitting smoking due to the shock.

Rumours (Facebook) has it, Nik's new cheerfull (and possibly "Happy") personality is due to a certain someone around KBM...

Aina "Ain or Aina, whatever your name is. Its all the same to me!"

I poached Aina, thanks very much to Bobo during the heydays of ICDC 09 in my evil matermind plan to win the trophy. Training session after session, after the amounts of screaming and torture at the JPK room, Aina got hitched by the debating bug for good.

A very committed member of the Deb Soc and a person who usually won't take NO for an answer, Aina is very much a chili padi in the making. Her commitment and dedication to come to training week after week, even when no one is there speaks volumes of her interest in debating.

Fariz Shah @ Fariz The Other One "Exactly how many Faris's do we have in the Deb Soc?"

One of the very few people whom i managed to persuade to join the Deb Soc. whilst walking to KBM on a sunny afternoon. Fariz didn't had much of the skills or language advantages the other debaters had. But he compensated this with his sheer interest and commitment onto training and the usual cigarette he loans me there and then.

The highlight for alot of us was when he actually became Chair one of the rounds at MDO '10, now Fariz is the one who usually calls me to check when's training.

Don't let his shy demeanour fool you, Fariz is very much chirpy once you get to know him.

Kejadian Suatu Hari.

2010-04-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Look, there is no easy way to say it but i don't like you. Well, i do like you but not that way. Its not like that, im just not ready for anything serious yet. No, im not saying im afraid of commitment its just not the right time. Well, i just don't know when.Im sorry if i gave any indication otherwise but im just not that into you. What? Im not being heartless but its just difficult for me right now.Look, your a great girl and all but i just don't see you that way."

That felt better.

Thank You Captain Obvious

2010-04-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

"If its so that im deemed to be alone, fuck it. I'll just fuck it."

Kenyataan Pagi Ini

2010-04-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

You want a social life, with friends.
A passionate love life and as well
To work hard every day. What's true
Is of these three you may have two
And two can pay you dividends
But never may have three.

There isn't time enough, my friends--
Though dawn begins, yet midnight ends--
To find the time to have love, work, and friends.
Michelangelo had feeling
For Vittoria and the Ceiling
But did he go to parties at day's end?

Homer nightly went to banquets
Wrote all day but had no lockets
Bright with pictures of his Girl.
I know one who loves and parties
And has done so since his thirties
But writes hardly anything at all.

(Kenneth Koch, Social Life With Friends)

It Ain't Always Sunny Out There.

2010-04-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Relationships are addictive. They really are. It takes you in with the overwhelming euphoric sense of happiness and finally feeling complete.

Yet, like all things addictive (Facebook, Glee, Stalking, Warhammer) there is always a down side to it. More often, its always to late for you to realized that you've gone too far put to notice that your being strained and pressured by the relationship.

Which is kind of ironic seeing that being in love with someone was suppose to set you free of these things. That's how life goes i suppose, in the view of a cynic.

Look, i don't have all the answers to the questions of the world. Maybe i won't have the solutions to all the problems as well. But, if there is one thing that i know of that you should know; be strong, you can hold this on. I don't think you can, i know you can.

It can be disheartening to throw yourself out there over and over again hoping to find the right one, only to curl back into that bleak spot inside you every time you find out otherwise. I should know, i've been there, but if you don't have faith who else would?

Everything is a gamble, you got to give in order to receive. What makes the difference is just what are you fighting for, the higher the stakes, the higher the gain or lost. Sometimes, you just end up losing really badly.

But, if there is something that i've learn down the line of rejections and bad breakups is that for all the pain and mental drama i endured so long, the gain makes it all worth while. You just have to hold on long enough to get your turn.

You will :)

Eternal Question At 2am.

2010-04-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

Its utterly depressing to wake up and find yourself losing all sense of time. Because you just realized its already April, more than half of a semester gone.

What pisses and scares you the most is how you fail to remember much detail of the last four months.I was sure of December but what the fuck happened in between January till today?

Maybe its the sheer amount of pressure thanks to the large pile of assignments you have to deal with. Not to mention the looming finals you have to take soon, how the hell are you suppose to answer all those hard and mind boggling questions if you can't remember anything from all the classes you took this semester?

As this fear grips you like a Burmese python that slithers into your mind and slowy coils itself on your brain, you find it hard to breath and you start to panic. You start sweating and you eyes dart madly as you find yourself in an unfamiliar location.

Or maybe its because your getting older, and much older soon.

Damn, i don't find myself liking April sudah.

Meh Once More.

2010-03-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

"Did someone took a portion of your heart? And now I'm learning you"

I hate feeling what i feel for you right now.

Sekian.

This Happens Alot, In My Head.

2010-03-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks are without a doubt the hardest part of the semester for me.

For once, i actually contemplated about quitting the whole show and moving back to Sabah or even God forbid Shah Alam.

Well, technically i did brood over the idea of moving once in my 2nd semester but this is totally different. I don't know why but im torn.

I've always told friends that i'll never leave Melaka for what ever reasons at all. This was the place i started looking at the world through a different set of lenses, this was where i started debating, this was where i consistently broke or injured my leg at least once a semester every single semester.

Yet, over dinner with Dedeq and Aida at Kedai Kuning last night. I suddenly found myself contradicting myself with the same group of friends at the same spot a year ago.

What the fuck has happened?

Im just a pile of messed of ideas and emotions lately.

A lack of sleep and rushing to finish your assignments usually does that to you.

I have another 3 more remaining semesters left in my studies, logic reasoning would tell me i should just stick with the programme and finish off in KBM by 2011. Still, events here have me questioning alot of things that i've build upon living here. Or maybe im just dragging my feet on the ground for fear of change?

I like it here in Melaka but the lure of grass being greener on the other side and how im sinking more and more into this pit of depression and loneliness really weights in the idea of leaving.

Should i stay or should i go?

Baxter Had Nothing To Do, So...

2010-03-23T10:55:00.001-07:00

Ragam pelajar 6A2 2007 SMKDPM

Salam satu Malaysia pembuka madah,
khas ditujukan kpd yg berkenaan..
Jikalau kalian punyai waktu,
Sudi-sudikanlah menatap karyaku ini..

Kelas 6A2 nama diberi,
Selalu menjadi sebutan pak guru..
Bukan kerana keampuhan studentnya..
Tapi dek kerana kenakalan penuntutnya..

Monica John nama diberi..
Mulutnya becok bak burung murai..
Ditanya sepatah,dijawab berpatah-patah..
Itulah dia sifat si ketua kelas..

Dalam kelas dialah yg memegang title "terbesar"..
Dari suara hinggalah bentuk fizikal..
sekali berpidato semua pun naik bengang..
Siapa yg tak kenal Noel Meldan Mijod mmng tak normal..

Paling pendiam menjadi identiti dirinya,
tapi diam-diam ubi berisi..
kalau mahu bukti kepintarannya..
Siapa Top Scorer STPM 2007 kalau bukan Jennifer Walin..

Deyll Ashraff nama timangannya..
bersuara lunak bak Anuar Zain..
Bersyair bernyanyi dia yang sapu..
memang itulah hobi Mohd Jumadeel Idris..

Nor Shazwani dan Juliet si kawan karib..
Selalu bersama ke sana ke mari..
sama cantik sama tinggi..
selalu menjadi pujaan si kumbang-kumbang..

Kuat berceloteh kuat mengumpat..
selalu berperang dengan si Noel..
Sekali berperang riuh semuanya..
itulah dia si Molek Helvia..

2G, 1R formula yang unik..
Formula yang tercipta di kelas 6A2 2007..
Jangan dipisahkan formula ini..
kerana formula ini mewakili Grisha,Gwen dan Ramona..

Satu lagi formula yang bernombor 3..
kalau seorang ponteng, semua pun ponteng..
seorang bertumbuk, yang 2 pun masuk..
Itulah mereka si Corbett, Denny dan Richie..

Danny Edward pemalu orangnya..
selalu tersipu jikalau ditegur..
Walaupun pemalu sinonim sifatnya..
Tetapi tetap menjadi pengawas sekolah..

Salam damai penutup bicara...
khas ditujukan kepada yang berkenaan..
Mohon diampun silap dan salah..
Kerana saya Baxter Beckham manusia biasa...hehe..

Needless to say, i miss this part of my life.

Playing Hard To Get.

2010-03-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today i just realized why on earth did i fell for you in the first place.

It couldn't have been more obvious. Meh, in my defense, i was indeed quite busy for the last few weeks.

My apologies if i indeed gave you the cold shoulder. But hey, i endured a debate tournament, got food poisoning and my ex ended up marrying my best friend. Its not like i did it on "purpose" kan?

It seems weird isn't it, being the the other persons shoes for a while eh?

Aku Sudah Lupakan Perasaan Yang Gila Itu. :)

Forgetting Sarah Bukan Marshall.

2010-03-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

I hope your happy.

Fak This Shite.

"I Still Love You The Way You Are, So Don't Fuck It Up Till I Pulang." Sarah.

Four AM Rant.

2010-03-11T11:50:00.000-08:00

I officially have no cigarettes left and crave for just another puff. Damned, why didn't you bought cigarettes Bobo, why?

Its already 4 something and still i find myself unable to sleep, the relapse into insomnia for the past few days has rendered me mostly falling asleep in classes. The sheer tiredness coupled by the cold air-conditioning makes its more the easier even if im 5 feet away from Cik Yatt.

The last few days have been indeed invaluable in terms to fruitfull insights to life and painfull (yet rewarding, strange isn't it?) lesson learned.

I can't sleep nor can't i feel anything else aside from this sheer craving for nicotine and the urge to punch something.

Fak this shite.

A Personal Rant (HINT:Sarcasm Ahead)

2010-03-11T09:59:00.000-08:00

It did took me a while to get the message. I was basically asleep before i realised i had 27 miss calls and 6 different messages. I was even surprised that you remembered my number, after all it was you who threw the phone at me that day.

Needless to say, im still at shock and am generally pissed. It was one of the negative traits of mine , you used to say while doing math homework. Remember those days?The days where we seem oh soo care-free that nothing in this world would disturb this little bubble in which we lived in? The days when we thought that it could last forever?

I remembered those days, heck i miss them a lot.

Im not asking you to stay, its perfectly normal for you to move on and find someone else. I wanted that for you, to be happy. I wanted it for the both of us. Even after the ugly fallout we had. It was hard, wasn't it? 2 years down the drain, it meant a lot to me just as it did to you. I wished i could have stop you from crying that day, i wished i stopped crying too.

I'll stop ranting, the doctors says its bad for my mental well-being. I hope you'll find happiness in his arms and share a life together.

But

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO TELL ME AND BTW I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW YOUR MARRYING ONE OF MY FRIENDS.

Pesanan Selamat Pengantin Baru Ini Dibawakan Oleh Kedai Payung Mak Kiah, Bangunan Mara.

MDO 2010 - A Bridge Too Far & Other Contemplations.

2010-03-11T06:33:00.000-08:00

It has been a full circle going for me debating wise with the return of Malaysia Debate Open. Ironically, this years MDO has also been a bag full of realisations and lessons learned both easily and the hard and fucking paintillithurtsbutitjustwontstop kinda way. Its still feels like yesterday i went for MDO 2009.

For starters, credit all goes to Arun and the rest of the committee who dedicated much of their entire year and most of their sanity preparing what has become the biggest thing pre-Asians and also deemed the best run tournie for a while. It is indeed an unimaginable task dealing with more than 80 over teams flying from over 10 different countries and the emotional and physical roller-coaster ride of running a tournament. You guys delivered and we shall all be waiting for the third installment of MDO in 2011.

KBM has come a long way since its humble beginings and im happy of how the team has come to embrace debating as a whole. Congratulations to Faris Shah for being elevated to a panelist on your first tournament. Azim,Alip,Bobo,Nik,Aina,Addy,Suffian,Azmilah,Mira as well as the return of Vidya to the team meant a great deal for me representing UiTM KBM. Though its great and all but a lot more effort can be put into this along with the ever dwindling commitment from everyone.

To the old and new people i've met in the tournament; it has been a pleasure. From the old faces that i have seen from the last one year to the new people that i've met in the span of the entire tournament, you guys made MDO the more memorable for me. For obvious reasons, i shant not elaborate further on how wild the socials were. :P

To be honest, MDO 2010 was kinda bittersweet, more of the bitter actually. We were aimed at the possibility of breaking at Octo's but we failed to deliver. God knows how much pain it was seeing other teams rejoicing at break and i kinda lost it at some point. Its hard dealing with failure knowing very well you could and indeed perform much better. Im still at a loss in trying to way closure to this whole issue and im guessing pretty much i'll be still pissed even if i got the oral feedback from that silent round.

We indeed had the potential to break, we should have break and run the whole 9 yards. But like Adderly said "Could Have Should Have Would Have" and to be honest it still doesn't help me deal with the loss of a chance to debate against any of the top 15 teams.

"Fak Fak Fak Fak ak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak Fak!"

Don't get me wrong, im not trying to find fault with anybody here. Not my teammates nor my opponents or the Adj who adju'ed us then. Like Hafiezdo the Great whom used to say "Debating is about convincing people, if you lose a round at a debate. Don't blame anyone, the fault lies in the convincing part, i.e YOU." (ICRC 2009 Debate, UiTM Shah Alam)

Debating is a complex thing, it involves a lot of issues such as the ability to argue and reason, the amount and quality of matter you bring up to the debate as well at the crucial team dynamics and commitment all 3 people have. If these 3 motherfuckers believe in winning, they're already halfway there. But again, believing in the win is only half of the shit. You still got to prove you earn the win, and thats where i believe i failed the team i guess.

Maybe if i had done my speeches better, if only i nudged the debate to this side or if i had more structure. These possibilities will forever haunt me just like the finals at VC 2009.

Still, on the other side of the coin, if only the weight was carried fairly among us, would it allow us to break?If we were indeed consistent and complemented each other all the way through could we have debated in the Octo's and dare i say beyond?

I don't feel like bitching, not because i feel saintly enough to let it go, im practically pissed as hell but its just the idea that hostilities never solved shit zero. There exist further room for improvement and i think should be seized, i know i will.

All in all, MDO was as the year before ; an enlightening journey of self realisations and reflections. I'll come back stronger at 2011.

What Have I Learn Today?

2010-03-03T23:40:00.000-08:00

"Assignments!"

"Presentations!"

"Proposals"

"Debates"

I say Bring It.

KBM,MDO, HRM, ADS, ADM F**k This Shit!

A Tuesday Is Like Ice Cream Without Crushed Kacang.

2010-03-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

"Be confident in who you are and what your life is. You may not have chosen the path that most people have, but that's because you are most definitely not like most people. That goes double when it comes to romance, you take things differently hence expect different outcomes."

"What a load of crap!"

(A conversation between Cecil & Noel, Circa 2005 somewhere where they got pissfully drunk.)

I don't feel like going to classes at all today, make it this entire week for that matter.

In fact, i have resolve untill the fucking weather doesn't mild down abit, i shant not tread the steps to KBM nor Graha.

God knows that the walk to KBM is hellish as hell on earth amid Global warming could be, this is not helped by the fact that i got tons of assignments and test to finish up on along with a slightly delayed presentation or two. But still, why must it be soo damned blistering hot?

Damned you Global Warming, damned indeed.

On another bloody note, i am still fucking sore from Sargil. The copious amount of time spent submerged under water at that bliss waterfall was nothing compared to the pain and burns i have not to mention the little poisoning i got from a little piece of chicken which im still experiencing.

Damned, chickens are indeed cannibals.

You should realize by now that most of my post have nothing to do with my titles.

Sekian :)

I Surfed Yahoo In The Morning And What Do I Get?

2010-02-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

Needless to say, this is NOT how i feel as of now.

This Has Been A Public Annoucement.

2010-02-24T23:42:00.000-08:00

Kepada Semua Orang Bahagia Yang Saya Kenal,

SOD OFF YOU KINKY FUCKERS!

Sekian :)

What Do You Do On Tuesdays?

2010-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

I think i just had waaay too much to drink.

Getting a hangover i'll be hating in T-minus 5 hours time.

For Whom The Sirens Ring?

2010-02-13T10:58:00.001-08:00

"The firestorm is incredible, there are calls for help and screams from somewhere but all around is one single inferno.

To my left I suddenly see a woman. I can see her to this day and shall never forget it. She carries a bundle in her arms. It is a baby. She runs, she falls, and the child flies in an arc into the fire.

Suddenly, I saw people again, right in front of me. They scream and gesticulate with their hands, and then - to my utter horror and amazement - I see how one after the other they simply seem to let themselves drop to the ground. (Today I know that these unfortunate people were the victims of lack of oxygen). They fainted and then burnt to cinders.

Insane fear grips me and from then on I repeat one simple sentence to myself continuously: "I don't want to burn to death". I do not know how many people I fell over. I know only one thing: that I must not burn"

Margaret Freyer, Survivor.

"That the bombing of Dresden was a great tragedy none can deny. It is not so much this or the other means of making war that is immoral or inhumane. What is immoral is war itself. Once full-scale war has broken out it can never be humanized or civilized, and if one side attempted to do so it would be most likely to be defeated. That to me is the lesson of Dresden. "

Robert Saunby, Deputy RAF Marshall.

"Does the Government understand the full force of what area bombardment is doing and is destroying now? Are they alive not only to the vastness of the material damage, much of which is irreparable, but also to the harvest they are laying up for the future relationships of the peoples of Europe, as well as to its moral implications?

I recognize the legitimacy of concentrated attack on industrial and military objectives, on airfields and air bases. I fully realize that in attacks on centers of war industry and transport, the killing of civilians, when it is the result of bona fide military…"

George Bell, Anglican Bishop and MP.

'It struck me at the time, the thought of the women and children down there. We seemed to fly for hours over a sheet of fire - a terrific red glow with thin haze over it. I found myself making comments to the crew: "Oh God, those poor people." It was completely uncalled for. You can't justify it.'

Roy Akehurst, RAF Wireless Operator.

"Remember Dresden, pray that no one nor no city has to go through what we went through. "

How Bizzare.

2010-02-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

If i can sum up the current span of my fourth semester of my bachelor's degree in one simple word : Bizzare.

Why so?

Well, if my first semester was considered to be Refreshing and my second part here in Malacca as Hellish right before a Vindictive third semester then it has been indeed a Bizzare fourth semester. A weird yet awesome way to describe my last leg of my sophomore year in UiTM.

Still, partially the reason why has my fourth semester been Bizzare can be attributed to various reasons. For one, the subjects this semester are basically my field of expertise; things like Policy Analysis (PM Mohammad Noh), HRM (Sir Bastyan and Miss Yati), QMT (Cik Yatt!), Ethics (Cik Wan Tirmizi) and areturn of Mr Rahim with CSC! While saying so, this semester is a tough nut to crack, im already forseeing much pain and madness finishing up assignments and field studies. But like the third semester, it was enjoyable because i enjoyed submerging myself into it. I like the subjects im taking, thank God. The horrors of Sem2 are still really freakishly fresh in my mind and By Zarkquans i would kill not to have a re-run of that. Still, i need to have push my the level one notch, the dream of just getting into the Dean List once is still left unaccomplished and i don't feel like paying my PTPTN loans once i graduated. First Class Honors Degree, your MINE!

Another reason for my liking this semester is basically the people that i have been around with, in and out of the campus, UiTM or non-UiTM. These people have indeed been a great deal of inspiration and joy and laughter. From getting Suffian into the debate team into actually forming a bona-fide club for debates onto meeting new people in class or reunions with friends from years ago. Team mates have come and go but Finz has always been there, Akak cepatlah habis praticum! On another note, it was immense working with guys like Addy,Suff and Faris in a team.

On a pissed-up note, i didn't like the fact Arsenal got wopped by Wankchester United or Cheal-SuckMyDickCauseImRich. Wenger should seriously consider upping it with somebody to play forward or midfield (Van Der Vaart, oh God Please!) and please do get the boys to play like they used to do. I still believe we can achieve 2004 again, its not impossible. On another note, Barca-Madrid-WhoeverItIs HANDS OFF Fabregas!

It has only been a month plus ridding into this semester, im not going to say that it will all be sunshine and rainbows but im liking this semester. As Bizzare as it is la.

Because, i met YOU this semester. : )

Glad For Monday's

2010-02-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

"THIS IS EXACTLY WANT I AM NOT FEELING RIGHT NOW"

Twas A Tuesday Night.

2010-02-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: NOEL WAS NOT DRUNK NOR CRAZY OR BOTH IN THE DURATION OF THIS STORY. HE WISHED HE WAS, HOWEVER THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

The weirdest if not the creepiest stuff happened to me yesterday. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the fault of Seoul Garden and all the excessive eating which some say can induce a chemical imbalance of the stomach and the brain.

The story begins right after we have returned back MP where we literally cleared off Seoul Garden with a celebration of Rosal's campaign. All those hard night stapling his posters and nightmares of seeing Rosal and Faris's over and over again really did paid off eh?

The moment we finished eating, we went off bowling at the mall in which i lost horribly to everyone else. Right before we got locked outside of MP for having a smoke behind Seoul Garden. That cigarette was priceless in terms of the laughter it caused.

Well, the moment i reached home, of course there was a JPK meeting and it wasn't till 2 something i returned back to my house. After taking a shower, i decided to take another cigarette in front of the window over-looking Tun Muktahir. It was there and then did i saw IT.

There's a row of parking space in front of the college where residences of TMC park their car, staring right in front of a Black Perdana (Razak's i think) was this huge white fluffy ball of fur which i mistakenly assumed was an over sized kittie. After frutiless attempts of "Miaow'ing" IT, i realized it wasn't a cat after all. Maybe it was the chill behind my back, that cold sensation on my sweaty palms, a full moon on the horizon or the fact that IT was hopping around the parking lot and has long pointy ears.

Long story cut short, i took my keys and went down chasing the fur-ball. Somehow the chase around the parking lot eventually lead to the back of the college where they park the UiTM buses where much screaming and swearing drawed the attention of Zack and Amar from L2.

Soon, the thing was outnumbered 1 to 4 but still somehow IT escaped via a broken fence and hopped back to Kg Morten.

Defeated, we all returned to our rooms and i vowed from that day onward to hunt and capture IT.

Did i mention i was wearing my boxers and had an unlit cigarette on me?

Deeper Conversations

2010-01-30T06:14:00.000-08:00

Im confused, seriously confused right now.

I, Noel Meldan am confused beyond the realm of acceptable madness and stupidty. That along with Bobo waking up precisely at 7am is hard to get by. Heck, it never happens for the latter!

It gets addictive, to love and be loved. That sheer rush of emotions and feelings, that warm mushy feeling inside. Its a thrill alright, but the after-burn kills like hell.

These past few weeks have indeed been a sheer confusing yet remarkably fun roller coaster ride. Thanks to it, the pile of assignments and clothing in my room are left unattended. I am utterly fucked come Monday.

The fucked up part is, i enjoyed that period of utter confusion. Its the aftermath that i hate. You know, after all the fun and laughter has died out. There exist this sudden quiet lull that comes and realizations start pouring our left and right.

God, i hate that part.

I still can't figure it out and its killing me. I wished i didn't did what i did to end up this fucked up and sober. Yet, somehow a part of me doesn't regret it at all.

Belle was right when she said that i contradict myself easily. Maybe i am just too hopeless and refuse hope at all. None the less, i still am fighting for it.

Self-ramblings do get better when your drunk BTW.

A Return To Conversations With An Optimist.

2010-01-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

Woke up all scared and pissed during the middle of the night, to find Rosal (Mr. MPP) snoring on the next bed. Well, technically he wasn't the reason for my sudden state of mind. Had it been, we would be looking for a new Bendahari for UiTM Malacca.

I woke up after having a semi-realization on a few things.

1) I smoke like a chimney.
2) I should stop smoking.
3) Smoking kills.

4) If she is that WORTH it, and heck she is. By Zarkquans i'll FIGHT for it!(Her, i mean)

Now i need a puff.

Conversations With An Optimist

2010-01-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

"Its like meeting a homeless cat in some alley and you like cats, you want to take it home to care and love that little furball. The fucked-up part is you can't, you just fucking can't do it. (Your heading to DP to shop or just because Unit Kolej tak beri jaga haiwan peliharaan)

Hence in the end you just decided to ignore the kitty instead of giving it the false hope of a home and a caring owner.

It kills you just thinking about that kitty, but by far it is a better move than doing the latter."

All Out Of Love

2010-01-27T21:39:00.000-08:00

"IF I HEAR THAT FREAKING SONG BEING PLAYED IN MARA AGAIN, I'LL RIP OUT THE HEARTS OF EVERY MUFAKA I SEE!"

Ahh, much better.

Im turning into a cynic (again).

Its Been A While Eh?

2010-01-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since i blogged. Blame it on anything you want, im just finding it hard to go online nowadays.

Without college WIFI or Mustaqim's broandband at hand, being connected online and blogging every single alternate day is hard. Coupled by the arrival of my 4th semester which has shown itself to be a very tough nut to crack.

Im basically running on 8 subjects, thank the heavens no calculation papers or it will indeed be a visit back to semester 2 and Mr.IGot2.78ForMyCGPA.

Life's been a bit peachy lately, i've grown out on a few things and issues but im basically still the same guy i've been all my life. Its basically same old same old again and again but i guess i've grown a bit.

There are just too many things to recap from the point of VC 2009 until today. Im not too bothered anyway to post em up due to pure laziness and i just don't give a damn if you care what i post online.

No resolutions were made up[on 2010's arrival, i like to go with the flo and maybe make one or two in duration of the year, say 31st December 2010 and breaking them 2 minutes before the new year just to piss myself off.

A few realizations came upon me these few weeks of the year. For once, my paranoid fear that i indeed am a lonely being in the sea of humanity still stands. Don't ask, its just one of those moment and i do think i deserve a chance to be emo once in a while. Don't like it? There's a exit button somewhere out there prick, click on it.

An extension of that realization would ultimately end up with me talking about how singledom is indeed heaven and hell mashed up together. Kinda like having a Non-White republican running for President. Temptations of pretending i have a shot at things are really hard to fight off but im getting there. It really helps to be uber cynical and generally an Asshole (Read: Adderly). Its really sad thinking that way but if it helps me to avoid another week of being depressed for the wrong reasons, im signing in!

Till 2012 comes and kills us all.

Of Facebook & Politics

2010-01-19T02:01:00.000-08:00

'Beware Internet use', Malaysia warns

The Malaysian government has warned against excessive use of micro-blogging sites like Facebook and Twitter, arguing that they could erode the country's culture, a report said Sunday.

The Malaysian government has warned against excessive use of micro-blogging sites like Facebook and Twitter, arguing that they could erode the country's culture, a report said Sunday.

Rais Yatim, the information and communication minister, said Muslims and other religious groups must be wary of the Internet as it was introduced by the West.

"We are not saying they cannot use Facebook or Twitter, but when using such facilities, they must upkeep the values taught by Islam, Buddhism or Christianity to maintain our culture," he was quoted as saying by the New Sunday Times newspaper.

Rais said users must not be influenced by what they see and hear when using the Internet.

"We must be strong in our belief and culture because the identity and image of our country depends on us," he said.

The government decided last August not to implement a controversial plan to create an Internet filter blocking "undesirable" websites after coming under fire from rights groups.

Malaysia's lively blogosphere has been a thorn in the side of the Barisan Nasional government, which was been in power for more than half a century but was dealt its worst ever results in the 2008 elections.

Internet news portals and blogs, which escape tight controls on the mainstream media, were credited as a key element in the swing towards the opposition which has been adept at using new media to communicate its ideas.

And THIS makes perfect sense to it also lah!

Maybe Malaysian politicians should just stop confusing us and make some sense already.

VC 2009

2009-12-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

Its been a hectic 2 weeks plus in this Debatable December, i've been uber busy that my room is nothing more than a pile of shirts entangled with another pile of shirts.

It has not been a bed of roses, running and organizing this tournament. God knows how many panic attacks and last minute decisions were made in order to save the tournament.

It has been a great pleasure and honor to run this tournament "Malaccan Style" with the likes of Finz, Ninja, Azim and the rest of the cohort of Debaters & Runners. Your the sole reason i never felt like giving up even with the troubles and drama we faced.

The unsung heroes, HEP-HEA-Keselamatan-Kolej Mamat & Mukthair. They've been supportive of the whole thing from the start. Even though there were a few issues raised during the tournament, i thank you all for the various saves in the duration of the tournament.

The debaters, you have been the reason for me losing my voice, my weight and partially my sanity during the whole 9 days you decided to come down to Malacca. It has been grand hooking up with old friends from tournaments before this and meeting up (and corrupting) new people.

I've been debating for almost a year. A year ago, debates were fun and games. A year later, its still fun and games but at the end of it now, there is this still unattainable objective that makes it ever more serious.

Still, thank you alot and i do seriously hope that you guys would come down next year for Herritage Open!

Quotes From VC 2009

"I welcome you to the 1st Winter VC Cup" Hasif George, DCA.

"Georgie Boy!"

"Bollocks To That!"

"Whales Are Gracefull & Dumb." Ain, UT Mara.

"Does It Really Matter?" Noel, Malacca City.

"Say It Like You Mean It!" Hanif, Lendu.

"Because Its Cool!" Shafiq, UT Mara.

"There Are 350 Million People On Facebook, Why Are You Still Not My Friend?"

"ASSUMPTIONS!"

"If That Thosai Had An Ass, I'd Smack It." Stiffler, UT Mara.

Till we meet again people. :)

If I Could Live Forever

2009-12-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

There are days when i wake up that i feel inspired to do almost anything.

Today wasn't one of those mornings.

I hate being in this state of self-pity and remorse. It doesnt suit my personality well, if you know me enough. You'd know that i would rather laugh myself over crying over it.

Yet, there are these sudden realizations of the gravity of things that sinks into your soul and then you start fucking everything up. Things get fucked up soo bad that usually there is no hope at all of trying to rebound from it. Yes people, thats how bad it is.

On the surface, im always seemed as this person who can find almost anything in everything to laugh about, while that maybe true. I do have this other side to me. The side that not alot of people know of, the one that i keep locked deep inside.

Before you say it, no im not gay. Sorry Addy. :)

And sometimes, its hard for people to understand the exact reason for my actions and moods. I act differently due to this other side of me.

There is this unseen clock that currently ticks within me. I have no exact idea how long will it continue ticking or when would the ticking eventually stop. It scares the shit out of me just facing the "what if" realizations to that scenario. Somehow the fear of death surpasses every single fear known to man, and with it, men are inspired and restrained from the greatest feats in their lives.

I seriously have no idea what else to write on this issue anymore. Reflection upon reflection on this issues has never been able to get me closure to the one damned thing i've been living with my whole life. And its not fair, it seriously is not fair.

Soo many things left unachieved, soo many victories unaccomplished. Soo many words left unsaid and soo many deeds left undone. Im turning into this chronic self-pitying emo'ster and i dont like what i see in the mirror.

If i could go on beyond that chain in which fate has tied me to, if i could just walk an extra inch or two or live another second.

They say five years might be long enough for something to come up and change things. But i've somehow resigned myself to the fate of certainty. Why waste time waiting for something that is uncertain than just live it until it expires and say that "I lived my life, for better or worse."

Ramblings Straight From Level 8.

2009-11-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

Im guessing that this is one of those randoms days that i apparently have soo much things to do that i suddenly have this urge to plan yet another random road trip around the Peninsular.

Well, you can hardly blame me. Being stuck here at KBM during sem break while everybody is off for raya just makes me want to leave this Blackhole on Earth for a couple of days in a pursuit of pure random'ness.

Im currently weighting my options of wheter or not should i head for the big city lights of KL or maybe spend sometime up north. There is always the idea of getting to the East Coast but then again hujan lebat and the floods have cancelled that one out. :(

December hearlds an entire month of headaches and pressure with GSD & VC 09 ridding in full throttle.Not to mention my JPKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK & PMP duties with the new intakes up in later this year.

I miss home terribly, apparently they're enjoying it much without me and are already planning for Xmas-Boxing Day-New Year's Eve-New Year's bonanza celebration. Pffh!

So, i have my options yet im in a stuck thanks to it. Should i stay or should i go? And if i do, manalah aku nak pergi? How long should i stay and should this trip involve nudity (not in my part, thank you) as well?

So many things to consider, so little time.

Epic

2009-11-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

Im starting to regret slightly leaving home so damned soon.

While my dedication for debates and all things it stands for remains intact, a slight pang of regret still resides within. Im guessing its mostly to do with how much i've missed home over the last few days and having to force myself to head to Malacca again for Debate Training.

Suddenly, returning to Malacca after a week home did change me in a few ways. I couldn't help but feel lost and somewhat alienated at KBM. Now that is a very scary thought indeed. But this has been a first fail for me; an epic fail. Aside from the time during the 2nd semester when i felt like running back home, i never felt this lonely before. It scares and depresses me just to think about spending Xmas & the New Year here. God knows i'll get through this, but the question of how still remains.

Familiar faces are now complete strangers to me. Places where i have found sanctuary are now the places i avoid. Im turning into something i've been denying all this time, something that i never wanted to be. It pisses me off and scares me as well, because i don't think i'll ever get through this phase and be forever stuck at square one.

Im turning into a Loner.

Sayang Kinabalu

2009-11-13T07:31:00.000-08:00

Its hard to believe, but im back home!

Yeah, im basically grinning ear to ear all on the thought that im already back here in Sabah. It took what seemed like an eternity punya 3 hours flight to reach LCCT KK.

The long lines at Immigration coupled with the agonizing long process didn't bother me, neither did the rain. Heck, it could have snowed and blitz and still i wont give a damn!

So, till i return back to Malacca, a notion which i still dread. I'll remain happy.

The Day The Guns Died

2009-11-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

Its has been exactly 91 years to the day, today that all is silent on the Western Front. The Armistice was signed 25 hours ago in a train carriage somewhere in France and its the one day after 4 years of mindless madness that the world ceased killing and slaughtering each other in the name of Empires and Nationalism.

It was a day of peace after much bloodshed. It was taught that the world would never go back to war after the horrors of Verdun, Somme and Ypres. Some 15 million casualities lost in some distant battlefield across No-Man's land. Indeed the world learned its lesson, only to make the same damned mistake 17 years later with the rise of Fascism. A mistake that killed 5 times the kill-rate of the first World War.

What have we as a race of living sentinent beings learn from the mindless killings of World War I? 17 years later, it wouldn't have matter; the question would seem rhetorical with Hitler marching halfway across Europe and Japan going on a murder and rape spree across Asia.

Textbooks tell us that the exact start of World War II happened directly after Hitler invaded Poland and some argued it happened 2 years before the thread of tanks in Europe with Japanese troops engaging conflicts with the Nationalist Republic of China. Look closely enough you see that it happened today, 91 years ago just right after the 1st World War.

The failure of the League of Nations to prevent much of the early signs of another war. Its suprising denial of the rise of Dictator's such as Franco, Salazzar and Mussolini.

The humiliation of Germany, with the treaty of Versailles and the penalties paid caused much dissent within the German population. So blind were they in seeking justice that they gave birth to the rise of Hitler.

Japan, whom gained much from the Allies during WWI launched Pandora's box of horrors and atrocities across Asia, fooling many in their dreams of a Greater Asia to rival the west.

Communism in Russia was tolerated only to gain much power during and after the war. Serving as the catalyst for yet another conflict post 1945.

The World has been in a screw up after another since 12th November 1918. If that doesn't depress you, i don't know what would.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Oblivion Banalities

2009-11-11T17:44:00.000-08:00

My life will be basically dictated by the next 5 hours as the last few vestiges of freedom i have before i enter that damned G 2-1 exam hall at Graha Maju for my last paper.

Oh yes people, its the last paper for this semester, but it just had to be ADM 501.

Damned OB. Why couldn't we have CTU 553 now instead?

I've been basically spending much of my free time in between SOMA and the monster we all call OB doing nothing in relations for my preparations for that 3 hour paper. God knows that my continous assestment marks are not going to float me an A- but i somehow have to crawl my way to it.

Basically, im being quite relaxed about OB. Heck, quite frankly thats how i've been for the entire duration of my finals this semester! Ok, the Devil's apparation in the form of ACC 280 was somehow an exception.

Its a far cry from my Semester II days when i cringed and cried over and over again due to things like QMT, ECO and the Devil's child; ACC 200-something. I guess im just not the Numbers kinda person. I'd gladly take reading and factual papers over calculus any single given damned day. Heck, i'll pay myself to do so!

That being said, my worries now bring me to the realisation that somewhere in December, the fruits to my lack of labour this semester will be out. If that doesnt scare me, aside from David Beckham captaining for England and an assorted bunch of fears, i don't know what would.

Next semester will be quite a mountain of a challenge for me. I'll be getting the chance to meet and be scared the living shit out of me by papers like QM and HRM.

What have i gotten myself into?

Apa Yang Aku Buat Hari Ini?

2009-11-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

Hours spent reading: Less than 1 hour

Status: Unfinished!

Hours spent reading: 3 Hours

Status: Finished

Please oh please, Weird symbols and cults to be out for Social Marketing tomorrow!

The Reasons For Debating At KBM Part 1

2009-11-05T19:20:00.000-08:00

*Please Listen To Muse's "Invincible" While reading this post*

Maybe its boredom, or the fact the burden of ACC 280 has been lifted from my shoulders. Another week and i shall be home, lazing around till i get thrown back into the crazy whirl wind of madness back here in Malacca.

My holidays are virtually non-existance very much due to VC Cup 09, GSD and the numerous debate-related activities i've subjugated myself with.

Hence, this post i dedicate to the crazy yet dedicated bunch of people i've had the outmost honor and displeasure to know-debate-argue-hang out with. Your the reason im spending half of my holidays in UiTM!

Aafina Zamil @ Kak Fina "ASSUMPTIONS, AND YOU KNOW WE KNOW IT!"

She's the main reason i enjoy debating, aside from all the associated binge drinking and hot single female debaters.

Im hopeless without her in my team. Indeed, i found it the hard way during Australs selections to go against her in one team. She scares and inspires me at the same time.

Weird isn't it?

Nurhayati Ghazali @ Yati "Yamatte!"

She's The Head for Unit Debat KBM, hence the source of alot of stress everytime you need to submit proposals; she would usually hunt you down if you fail to complete one in time.

She's to be blame for alot of the laughter during road trips on the way to tournaments. She basically the one person who wouldn't lose her head if disaster struck during meetings.

Azim Allauddin @ Azziiiim "Kpala Hotak Engkau!"

She's the secretary for the Debate Unit. Anything i've said about Yati in the first paragraph applies to her as well.

She's a great Adju in the making. Although she has this tendency to ....... at every single tournament.

Adderly "They have been saying alot of thing but weren't making any sense at all."

Well, for starters he made Malaysia, UiTM and all of us proud by making a absolute FANTASTIC 7 SECOND speech during the final prelim rounds at MDO 09. But he has been running great strides after MDO, the winner of ICDC & NICED this year.

Jehan Soraya @ The Ork "Now, my 2nd speaker (Points at J) here will really kill you."

She's basically a great speaker but sadly her age and her short period of time left at KBM means that she wont be in any future tournies. A good thing for alot of you people out there!

While she was afraid of debating at first but i guess like all of us here, she truly enjoyed her stint debating.

You can still change your mind J, extending one semester isn't so hard to do.

Omar Qayyum @ Omer "Uhmm..."

He was one of Addy's accomplices during MDO 09, needless to say Omar is one of those very silent debaters. The ones that would suprise you at the very odd moments during a debate round, like giving a POI during his own teammates speech.

After MDO 09, Omar has been doing great, i guess having alot of "Emotional Support" from a certain someone has really boosted his debating capabilities.

Fadzly Hanafi @ Pali "Nyaaah!"

Another one of the 7 seconds debater. Pali is generally a great guy to hang out with and he is a diamond in the rough when it comes to debating.

He contributes to alot of the madness and laughter while in the bus heading towards debate venues.

The New Kids: Vidya Yazmin @Yati II "This Government is a BAD Government!"

One of those people whom you just have one look and you'd say "Memang Sah Debater!". Well, she has been to a heck alot of madness ever since entering KBM and has a long way to go in debates.

You should all fear her.

Faris Farid @ Faris "What The.."

Another one of the OneLookAndYouThinkHe'sADebater fellow. He has proven himself to be comfortable with debating.He didn't break at ICDC & NICED but has gain alot of valuble experience. Has a long way to go as long in debates as well

Very good with Matter and im looking forward to seeing him in action for VC 09.

Hazim Shah @ BOBO "God Bless _______ (Whatever country that is being debated upon)"

Another victim of ICDC this year, he might look abit clueless at times but don't let it fool you!

His humour can be both disarming and deadly at times.

So, you'll be seeing alot of this people representing KBM for these upcoming semesters. For those yang aku tak mention...well its a Part 1 for a reason, so sabarlah sket!

Aku Cuak Calculate!

2009-11-04T20:46:00.000-08:00

ACC 280 Final Examination, December 2009 Session.

Question Booklet : 1
Pages: 14
Questions : 5

Answer Booklet : 1
Pages: 10
Answered Questions : 5

Pen: 1
Calculator: 1
Pencil (Stolen From Repeah) : 1

Exam Duration : 3 Hours

Feelings Post-ACC 280 : HAPPY-GLAD-WORRIED-RELIEVED.

Sekian laporan dari Bangunan Graha Maju, UiTM KBM.

Tun Mamat's Musings

2009-11-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

At a room somewhere In Malacca City during an interview for somnthing that you'd probably wouldn't give a Dingo's kidney about. JPK application interviews for example.

Mr Z (Bukan Nama Sebenar) : "So Noel, You Umur Brapa?"

Mr J (Bukan Nama Sebenar) : "Mesti 24 kan?"

Mr M (Not His Real Name) : '26?"

Noel : " Uhmm Im 21."

*Akward Silence*

Mr Z : "Seriously?"

Mr J : "Biar Betul?"

Mr M : "Eh, i thought your 24 or something."

Noel : "No, im 21 lah."

*Laughter*

These people have known me since the first day i stepped into KBM and they were suprised by this revelation.

Its either that i look old or people these days really have the memory span of a Fruit Fly.

Meh.

AKU TAK TUA!

Permanent Malicious System

2009-11-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of Phynaz, Kara's Reaaaly Hot Friend (Inside Joke).

Hang in there, you'll be just fine. Trust me, i may not be an expert on these but i know that you hold on long enough things will change for the better.

It ain't all "Sunshine & Rainbows" (Again with the inside jokes) but thats life for you. Every single cloud has its silver lining, even UN-backed sanction have loop-holes. I don't know how was that supposed to cheer you up but hey, i tried.

If all else fails you still have ice-cream right?

Shalom Haver

2009-11-03T19:07:00.000-08:00

"It is not worth the paper it is written on unless it is backed by the kind of force that will make the other side consider the penalties too heavy to break the agreement."

Yitzhak Rabin(1 March 1922 – 4 November 1995)

A Beautifull Mind

2009-11-03T19:00:00.000-08:00

"What I see are the current devastation, the frightening disappearances of living species, be they plants or animals. Because of its current density, the human species is living in a type of internally poisonous regime."

Levi Strauss (28 November 1908 – 31 October 2009)

Killing Assasination Burning Uncertainty Looting

2009-11-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

If the latest news is any indication of hope in Afghanistan, then it might as well just slit both wrist open and pour salt over it. That is how much hope Afghanistan have in the current situation.

While the general elections fiasco has finally draw to an end and to nobody's suprise Kharzai again won the election despite having a third of the votes he gain declared to be fraud. Not to mention the numerous cases of coersion, blackmailing, political assasinations and the fact his only credible opponent finally backed off that happen under his watch as the Head Honcho backed by an impressive show of force by the largest Democracy in the world along with her allies.

These trouble coupled along with the ressurgence of the Taliban and rising ethnic and clan based hostilities in the country have justified forever that invading a country to save or liberate it is never an easy choice to make.

For the past 8 over years it has been liberated, Afghanistan has experimentated with democracy and failed badly. It has tried wipping out and supressing the Talibans and failed big time nor to mention the fact the living conditions were much better then during the Taliban rule that compared to now despite having such a huge security presence in the country and strong financial (Humantarian Aid and Drugs)support.

The burning question everytime i open the telly or read the papers is: HOW THE FUCK COULD THEY SCREW THIS UP?

Again, i'd like to point out the fact that aside from liberating the Afghans from the Talibans (whom they trained and armed to fight the Red Bear back in the 70's), Uncle Sam has done nothing substantial enough to say they made a difference in Afghanistan.

What more, its a shame to see El Presidentte Obama doing nothing of utter significance in relation to the situation on ground aside from a few harsh words of protest and condemnation. Despite the fact, might i add that the US has thousands of troops stationed there in what is to be a time bomb, it has cost America billions untold and her pride and credibility along with the blood of thousands to sum up an 8 year failed experiement to bring democracy to the world.

Democracy was never really an option for Afghanistan, not so early out of the war.

What should have happen was for Uncle Sam to isolate Afghanistan from democracy and concentrate in the reconstruction and building of infrastructure. They have to then tackle the intricate tribal and clan system that is the social and political glue in the country before setting up anything credible enough to be called a government.

Indeed now, one of the things Yanks and their Afghan counterparts realise all to late. One of the things Kharzai has to do straight away is to tackle this problem and bring in the legion of clans and tribe into the fold of the government and then try to tackle the insurgency.

Eliminating the support of clans to the Taliban would isolate the insurgents from their source of income and support. This is far more of an effective weapon compared to all the bombs and bullets the world can give to kill the bastards. It also addresses the issue of poppy field in which most of them are grown out of the sheer desperation that people are force to grow em due to the Taliban

When will they learn?

CTU 553

2009-11-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

T-Minus 40 Minutes To CTU 553

Cigarettes: 3

Roti Telur: 1

Teh Tarik: 1

Said the word "F**k", 4 times

During CTU 553

Words written:

"Perlembagaan Persekutuan" : 22 times

"Malaysia" : 12 times

"Melayu" : 11 times

"Cina" : 4 times

"India" : 4 times

"UMNO" : 8 times

"MCA" : 5 times

"MIC" : 3 times

"Harmoni" : 14 times

"Toleransi" : 9 times

"Kaum" : 5 times

"Etnik" : 7 times

Said the words:

"F**k" : 23 times

"Alahai" : 4 times

"Tim Kai Ahh?" : 3 times

"I Bet Izzam didn't see this coming" : 1 time

"Ahh, why the f**k did i spend 10 minutes on one point only?" : 2 times

"Dammed, im f**ked" : 5 times

Post CTU 553

Cigarretes : 4

Teh Tarik : 1

Big Mack : 1

"F**K" : 16 times

"Oms, jom makan" : 3 times

"Wooah, that chick yang tadi bawa Myvi Hitam tadi is seriously HOT!" : 4 times

"How could you mistaken Vidya for Alin?" : 1 time

One Of Those Days

2009-10-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

Can You Say WHATTHEFUCK?

Final Laments

2009-10-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling utterly pissed with myself. Decided to loiter around in bed for another 10 minutes only to fall asleep again and wake up at 11am, still feeling pissed.

Studies will have to wait la till im done rambling.

Cik Yat sms'ed me yesterday, long story cut short i've fucked up my carry-marks for ADM 501. While i basically had that coming thanks alot to me being me this semester, i felt it was unfair that most of the group work i've did was basically just me finishing up my assignments and having the other people write their names on the damn folio.

All these years spending billions, and they still can't find the fault with NEP?

Forgive me for my morning sarcasm here, but i think i deserved to rant and bitch about it for a minute or two. You don't like it? Then i'd love to tell you to sodd off.

After much worrying and calculations, i managed to find that i need to score a whooping 83 marks on my written finals to get a meager A - for ADM 501. As if that wasn't depressing enough ADM 501 is THE killer subject for this semester.

My first papers starts this sunday, CTU 553 followed by ACC 280 on the 5th (MEIN GOTT!) and in between the 9th till 11th, i got MPS and SOMA and finally OB on the 12th.

My best wishes to all my friends taking their finals, Omar and the ACC part 4 with FAR 400, Jehan with her final semester, Addy and the not-so lonely hearts (Fasya & Amy lah!) with your pre-praticum papers, Finz with her only 3 final papers before teaching at the Convent, Vidya and the part 1 kiddies with ACC and CSC and everyone else whom im too bothered to mention anyway.

Good luck with them papers.

I've said it before and i'll say it again.

"Bring It On Bitches."

Eternal Meh'ness

2009-10-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

Thought Of The Day: RUN LIKE FAK BITCHES!

What You Thinking Of?

2009-10-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Thought Of The Day:

"You Can't Claim To Be 100% Single When Your Not Acting Like One!"

Pesanan Ini Dibawakan Oleh Warung Mee Siam Pak Ali, Port Dickson.

Betul Tak Amy?

Its Not Over.

2009-10-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

Fasya sedang memasang lagu "All Or Nothing", apparently dia tak puas karaoke lagi.

I know a lot of you sad wankers are still bitching over the Liverpool 2 win over Manchester United last night. I've given my two cents worth in regards to what happened last night. These are some of the responses:

"Well, is all good but at the end of the day, you still don't see them winning the title." Lewis

"FUCK"
Belle

"I don't really care if they win, like i said its a 50-50 match."
Adderly

"Babilah, what the fuck! Penalty tak dapat, ref is a wank lah."
Ryann.

From the other side of course,

"I never lost faith in Rafa"
Jules. Just before the match, he betted with Ryann that he'll shave off his hair if Liverpool lost.

"You never walk alone! Weh!Selangor cuti besok!"
Khuza

"I dont care what Fergie has to say but the bottomline is; WE WON!"
Micheal

"2-0? WTF?"
Gayus, clueless as ever.

"Yay!"
Amy

You see, im no fan of Liverpool. I'd gladly see them getting trashed by Manchester United any given day but regardless of whatever happened during the match itself (Which, thanks to Fasya and her Karaoke obsession kami tak jadi tengok), Liverpool deserved a breather for they neversaydieuntillwe'rereallydead attitude.

Yes, of course they're chances of lifting the EPL is lightyears away at best this season but at least, they're enjoying the moment. Isn't that what football is about? 22 guys with bad hair, a freaking ball and a field for 90 minutes?

Liverpool might not win the title, like i said but at least today, they can say that at Anfield, they came as underdogs with a losing streak longer than Rafa's goatie against Wank'chester United and won not by 1 goal but 2 at the very last minute.

If you can't admire their tenacious'ness and dedication to the team and shit, i don't know what the hell are you still bitching about.

Life is like that, in a way i guess. You got to seize the moment and live it; Carpe Diem. Sure, the long run might not look great and you'll still go through shit and stuff but at least for a second or two you know very well that this moment is your and no one can take it away from you.

Now, if only i can say that for Arsenals 2-2 draw.

Fark.

Eternal Confusions

2009-10-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

"Just when you thought that you’ve dug a sufficiently deep hole enough to shove yourself in, life just somehow finds a sad,twisted and ironic way of collapsing that hole and landing you in a even bigger and deepoer hole that you have no way of getting out from." Noel Meldan April 29th 2008.

Im apparently now at KBM apprently studying at Z93 with apparently Fasya and Amy, whose apprently single but dating a friend of ours. The reason for this post is because im apparently cool with my best friend sleeping with my ex.

Well new flash people, i dont give a dingo's kidneys in regards to that last statement.

(Fasya mengambil masa ini sambil buat FAR untuk tengok apa benda yang aku taip.Apparently, i type really loud and fast.)

IM HAVING WRITER'S BLOCK AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO WRITE ABOUT ANYMORE.

BUT ON THAT NOTE, I GUESS ALL OF YOU CAN SODD THE HELL OFF AND STOP BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR SUDDEN CONFESSIONS AND SHIT CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCKING FUCK ANYMORE.

We Debate We Argue We Assume Things

2009-10-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

It was a picture taken about nearly a year ago, back in Shah Alam during VC Cup 08. The lady that is sitting down there is partially most of the reason why i love debating.

She really is...

I know its a bit late and all, but its the thought that counts right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAK FINA!

I had the opportunity to meet Fina while i was in the middle of my 1st semester here in KBM. Back in the finals, i was gambling on wheter or not to participate in VC 08. Of course, the question of who was going to be my partner arise; Then came Fina.

Long story cut short, we went to hell and back together. I was to blame for screwing up our first round (A trait that i still carry around) at VC. She didn't blame me of course, but only gave me the drive and motivation to get back to the field and debate some more. Mind you, that was my first time debating ever, let alone in a varsity tournament.

We improved, we scored win after win to finally break into the quater-finals.

I swore ever since then to only have Fina as my partner in VC Cup or any Brit-Parliamentary style debate.

Im forever gratefull for all that she has given and helped me to be in debating for the last 3 semesters.

You see, the most essential element into making a great debate team is all about chemistry. And also the fact that people have to compliment each other for their weaknesses and strenghts.

Fina has all the confidence and coolness you can ask for in a debater, especially when she is first up. She literally sets up the debate, giving chatter-boxes like me an easy route to argue and crapp for the next 7 minutes. She can convince you that Congo doesn't need NATO's help or that having MP Jumping laws is bad to Malaysia without batting an eyelid.

She is also a great tower of support and motivation. God knows how many times have i felt like giving up only to pick myself up with her either bitch-slapping me into submission or telling me that WE can do it.

Yes, WE did.

All this while, had it not been for Finz. I'd find debate to be something else.

Thank you Kak Fina, for being there...

As a friend
As a debate partner
As a Kak Long

Thank you for everything!

*This post doesn't make me in anyway a wuss or a softy, aight?*

Eternal Wonders Of A Clueless Mind

2009-10-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Khuza called me this morning, apparently i've been writing a lot more nearing the finals as per compared to the months before.

"U nie memang dari dulu sampai sekarang. Taktau perkataan "Kiamat" dan "Mati". Selalu jeh U nie akan buat benda masa-masa last minute."

Khuza, whom i've known since we were wearing those flashing light sneakers back in kindie knows me best. She and a lot of you out there whom have been subjected to my "NeverSayDieTillTheFatLadyGetsAnEncoreAndSingsAgain" and "IDoStuffLastMinute'Ness" should know better that i thrive on that last few nano-second. Heck, i live for those moments!

Its a habit born out of all those years of procastination. I refused to do my homework and would rush to finish it only when its the final day of submission. Mum is the only one who could force me to clean my plates after dinner, if i couldn't suddenly dissapear to let my sister do all the chores.Heck, i even refuse to grown up all this while and it took a girl during form 3 to actually have me take myself seriously!

Great times eh?

I partially blame this also on my laid-back'ness which a lot of people are jealous of or get annoyed with. I have no control whatsoever to this situation of mine, like i said, its a disease.

I still don't know why. Assignments of mine since these past few months have always been submitted at the 11th hour,
i have a lot of apologising to do; especially to Hani Nadiah whom endure all the anxiety and pressure of waiting for me to finish up my deal of work. But then again, in my defense we scored high marks for it didn't we?

See, when i say that i thrive only doing things last minute and im talking about assignments here. Most of the time i somehow managed to always score. Its a very cocky thing to say and again i blame hanging out with Mc Dreamy Adderly to too much but its the truth!

I seriously need to get em Jus Pisang again, somehow.

Maybe its just me being me. You know, a perculiar little annoying trait everyone has in the process of finding themselves. Everyone has it, so you don't judge me by saying im hopeless or shit when you have some little weird trait of yours that people bitch about too. Hitler have one too, see? You might not want to dominate the world by force and in the process kill millions and messing up the whole world but the point is you have it; regardless of wheter its the Final Solution or a last minute one.

Tchuss!

Realisations On A Friday Morning

2009-10-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a secret, im actually really afraid of heights. So the question that comes to mind right now while im writing this is, why the fuck am i sitting so close to the mirror of the 12th floor looking down at the parking lot?

The trick to overcoming thuis fear is of course, not to look down. Why then am i paying attention to that yellow Satria?

Fark!

Just finished the last class of ADM 501 (OB) moments ago. A great sigh of relief. All is left now before finals and me hugging my cats is another 5 hours of Social Marketing (ADS 509) which will last until 11pm tonight. Its pure murder actually just to even blog about it.

Whats the trick to overcome that then?

Fark!

Inconclusive Conclusion.

2009-10-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Malaysian political aide probably murdered: Thai expert

A Malaysian opposition aide may have been strangled and beaten before falling to his death from anti-corruption offices where he was being questioned, a renowned Thai pathologist said Wednesday.

Porntip Rojanasunan, head of Thailand's Central Institute of Forensic Science, was a star witness at the inquest into the aide Teoh Beng Hock's death, which has caused a political storm in Malaysia.

The flamboyant expert, well known for challenging authorities in her home country, said there was an 80 percent chance that 30-year-old Teoh was murdered and just a 20 percent chance of suicide.

In a report submitted to the inquest, Porntip said there was evidence that Teoh had sustained serious injuries before he plunged from the 14th floor of the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC).

His crumpled body was found on July 16 on the roof of an adjacent building after he had undergone questioning until 3:45 am as part of a probe into the opposition-held Selangor state government.

Porntip, who has not inspected Teoh's remains, said there was evidence of injuries not consistent with a fall, including a skull fracture and a tear to his anus which was "more of a penetrating injury".

"I cannot exclude manual strangulation on the neck," she added.

The Thai expert's analysis was based on a study of two government forensic reports. She challenged their conclusion that Teoh was conscious while falling.

The anti-corruption body says that after being discharged, Teoh chose to rest in the building and was seen just before dawn the same day sleeping on a sofa, but was not seen again until his body was discovered that afternoon.

MSN News

How could our own experts miss these things? I mean, not to say that our guys are sleeping on the job or that this Thai lady of death is always right.

But to even leave out things like these, only to have it resurface later on? God, it has "Drama" written all over it.

Ironically, the testimony given out even suggested Teoh endured some forms of physical torture, at the ACA? Sheer irony!

The only thing that comes to mind: What The Fuck is going on?

The 13th

2009-10-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

Assignments and presentations are all done, finally i can really heave a sigh of relief for now. My finals officially start next week and i basically have no idea when and where are my papers going to be held.

Meh...some things never die eh?

Life is finally getting peachy with me i guess. Its not thew pressure or the gigantic amount of stress that has been getting on my nerves,its just that i've been finding myself missing home, terribly.

The point of my coming up with this ramble if just to summarize up the fact that im enduring yet another bad day due to all the shitting stress they put in you at uni and i miss home. I wished i could go back to "back then" where a cure for this malaise would usually be mum's cooking and the antics of my cats.

13th November, by hook or by crook...Im coming home!

The 16th

2009-10-20T00:19:00.000-07:00

It was out in the news today that the 16th of September will be marked as a national holiday for the whole of Malaysia. While it has been said that "Its high time we share the joys and sorrows of our Sabah & Sarawakian compatriots", as a fellow compatriot myself i can't help but to feel cynical about this whole 16th is a holiday thingy.

You see, 16th of September was the date in which the Federation of Malaya along with the states of Sabah, Sarawak and Singapore (which bailed out a few years later. A forever thorny issues between the two nations) HELPED FORMED THE FEDERATION OF MALAYSIA. It has been a marriage for the last 42 years which has seen much happenings and development in that span of decades of nation building.

While, the states of Sabah and Sarawak graciously relented to have 31st August to be marked as the young nations independence date, a sheer irony was that; MALAYSIA DIDN'T EXISTED UNTIL 1963 WITH THE ADDITIONS OF SABAH & SARAWAK. Pre -1963 (31st August 1957) was the date of independence for the Federated Malayan States only. Until today, 16th of September is only celebrated with just a passing remark in historical texts and in Sabah-Sarawak.

So, it has been four decades late for people and the Government to realise the significance of 16th. Without it, Malaysia would only just be a dream; KL and much of the developments of the Peninsular would not be a reality thanks to the exploitations of oil-gas and timber coming from Borneo. Sabah and Sarawak might still find themselves in the folds of colonialism or worse under The Philipines or Indonesia.

Yet, the fact that it took this long and a shocking defeat in the last GE for the BN led government to put up the fight for 16th to be really remembered.

What does that tell you?

I for one, 16th brings upon mixed feelings.

Of pride; the fact that a population of 26 million of diverse cultures, religion and ethnics divided by an ocean can still hold on strong after 40 over years. That we proved to the world that after hurdle after hurdle, we still remain intact. That we gave to the world a way for different people to actually co-exist and live in the same roof peacefully.A sense of bursting pride that we did it, "Our Way".

Of sorrow; that despite this long, my fellow compatriots in the heart of Borneo still suffer and live as if Malaysia was just a dream. The Penans and so many of the Dayak folks of home live terribly even though the land underneath their feet is blessed beyond wonders. That multitudes of idiots and ignoramuses now called teachers,lecturers and politicians whom hawker ethno-centric ideas that demeans people just because of their speech and culture. That the real history behind all this pride has been whitewashed all for the sake of politics, which leads to the birth of ignorants wankers like i've mentioned.

Indeed, marking 16th September just as a national holiday would not simply do it. Not for the dream of a Malaysia, nor for its people; whoever they are.

Debate Training 101

2009-10-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

On THW Invade North Korea

Bobo:" Engko tau tak, the reason why they want to invade North Korea is because of GOLD! North korea itu banyak emas, itulah US nak attack dorang. Engko tau yang emas dari Titanic itu lepas karam dia hanyut sampai pantai North Korea, dia orang tuh banyak emas sampai banyak orang nak invade them!"

*Silence*

Bobo:"Engko tau kenapa Koirea bleh split into North and South? Sebab Mahkota Raja England. Dulu Mahkota itu jatuh dekat Korea, dorang nak rebut mahkota itu. The south nak beri balik kat Raja England while the north nak mahkota itu for themselves. Itulah dorang perang masa perang korea itu. Sampai sekarang mahkota itu kat PyonYang."

Noel:"What The Fuck? Assumptions eh Bobo!"

Mira:"Uhmm what?"

Aina:(Laughs)

Bobo:"Betul!"

On THBT Love Makes The World Go Round

Bobo:Mira is from Tanjung Rambutan!"

Mira:"TAMPOI!!!"

Noel:"POI!"

Bobo:"Yes?"

Noel:"Are you really from TAMPOI?"

Everyone:(Laughs)

Viva La Iddiotto Chavez

2009-10-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

Just a few days ago, Hugo Chavez returned home from a fine adventure. He traveled the world for 11 days, visited nine states, made new friends and slapped the backs of longtime buddies, too.

Chavez, of course, is Venezuela's president, and being the charitable sort he decided to go see some fellow dictators who get few visitors, in Belarus, Libya, Iran and Turkmenistan, among others.

Back home, just before he left, the other Latin American presidents laughed at him during a regional summit meeting. They didn't agree that Chavez's big bully, the United States, was about to "loose the winds of war," as he put it, by building military bases in Colombia. Chavez didn't like that. So he went away. And on this trip, Chavez showed the world who he really is.

He arrived in Libya in time for Moammar Khadafy's big party - the 40th anniversary of the day Khadafy seized power in a coup, while Libya's king was away, seeing a doctor. Khadafy gave Chavez a big hug. The Libyan leader likes to sleep in a tent, but Chavez had to stay in a hotel. There wasn't room for all 26 of his bodyguards in the back yard. The next day he went to the party and then flew on to Syria.

There he played to the crowd and called Israel "a country that annihilates people and is hostile to peace." Most newspapers in the region published stories. Last time he was there, he dubbed himself "Chavez of Arabia." That also got coverage.

At home, Chavez doesn't have so many friends anymore. All those presidents laughing at him was the latest indication that they are turning ever more hostile to his socialist agenda - and growing authoritarian rule. With President George W. Bush long gone, Chavez's vitriolic attacks on Washington don't bring the sympathy they used to. President Obama is quite popular in Latin America.

American presidents frequently travel when they are in trouble at home. Richard Nixon did it during Watergate. So did Ronald Reagan during the Iran-Contra scandal, Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky investigation - and George W. Bush during his second term, when everything was going wrong.

In Venezuela, the murders, assaults, robberies and general epidemic of criminal violence can no longer be called a crime wave because waves eventually pass. Month to month, inflation fluctuates between 25 and 30 percent. Food shortages come and go.

But in most of the states Chavez visited, there's no independent press to complain about problems like these. Belarus, for example, is known as Europe's last dictatorship. Last year, Minsk and Washington both withdrew their ambassadors from Venezuela. But when Chavez arrived in Belarus, President Alexander Lukashenko thanked him for his "colossal support." Chavez, ever the jokester, told him: "I bring greetings from the Axis of Evil." He had just been in Iran, though he hadn't made it to the other members of this special club, North Korea and Iraq. Maybe next trip.

Along the way, an aide told him that Alvaro Uribe, the president of Colombia, had contracted swine flu. The two men are not friends because Chavez was caught providing guns to guerrillas trying to overthrow Uribe's government. To the news of Uribe's illness, Chavez chirped: "I'm feeling fine. I am feeling so well that yesterday I pitched 10 innings" in a baseball game.

Chavez had been to Moscow six times before, so he knew he had to do something special this trip. He offered diplomatic recognition to Abkhazia and South Ossetia, the two territories Russia seized in a war with Georgia last year. That went over well. Other than Russia, only one other state had recognized the two new "nations" - Nicaragua, ruled by Chavez's close friend Daniel Ortega, the former Sandinista leader.

He went on to Spain, where he traipsed to a bookstore, reporters and acolytes trailing, to buy "The Funeral of Capitalism."

In 2007, he got into trouble when he misbehaved, heckling the Spanish prime minister while he was giving a speech. King Juan Carlos finally told him: "Why don't you just shut up!" Across Latin America after that, the king's catch phrase was printed on T-shirts, and millions of people downloaded a recording of Juan Carlos saying "Shut up!" as a cell-phone ring tone.

Chavez knows he was bad. So to make up, he told the king he looked just like his good friend Fidel Castro, the former Cuban president. "He has grown a beard like Fidel," Chavez declared with a grin, pointing at the king.

Juan Carlos responded with a slight, strained smile.

Joel Brinkley, a professor of journalism at Stanford University, is a former foreign correspondent for the New York Times.

Tuesdays Are For What?

2009-10-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

Mandarin Test T-minus 30 minutes.

After which i have another MPS test conducted by Enchek Wan later on at 10am only to cruise through the rest of the day till Public Speaking comes around at 6pm.

Its basically a packed day and im pretty much left speechless. Bloogers block they said, pff.

I now sadly have both the urge to break out into a song and dance routine and scream and destroy everything in my path.

This is soo not me, well it was be me before. I hate emotional conflicts, it messed me up.

Damned!